Kaylee

What is it about Gustave?

2012-02-11T18:54:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking. I've noticed a common theme among fairytale stories (or at least the spruced-up Cinderella stories... and I mean two of them). Nevertheless, there is a commonality that I think is important.

Gustave, from Ever After

Carter, from A Cinderella Story

Have you guessed it yet? That's right, a supporting man.

Danielle had Gustave. Sam had Carter. Bella had Jacob (okay, we all know how that one turned about, but give me this one). Lizzie McGuire had Gordo. The list goes on and on. Why is this important?

Because every girl loves the supporting guy. We all secretly root for him and hopes Prince Charming ends up with the evil step sister/bratty cheerleader. Heaven knows he's usually stuck up enough to deserve her. The loyal boy-next-door deserves the girl, and that's that.

So why am I blogging about this tonight? Because I love the supporting guys in my own Cinderella story. I love that I have guy friends that will talk with me until 1 in the morning while our rear ends freeze to my porch step, who will sit with me in a car while I cry about something relatively meaningless. I love those friends that teach me how to play video games, who come to my house in the middle of the night to give me hugs, who patiently sit with me while I curse the deadly knight-and-queen combo that ALWAYS puts me in checkmate, and then sets up the board again. The friends that tell me if a guy doesn't appreciate me for who I am, that he's an idiot, that I will get my fairytale.

The friends that write "Happy Birthday!" on my car in rocks, that take me shooting when I'm frustrated, that tease me about crazy hair days-- but always tell me that I'm beautiful when it counts. The friends who dance with me when they don't want to be at the stupid dance in the first place. The friends who will eat mac-n-cheese with me when I put taco stuff in it... and actually thinks it tastes good. Those who will cook with me, tell me my cookies are delicious, give me rides, text me until I fall asleep when I'm upset...

Yeah, those are my supporting guys. They're the guys that give me the hope and courage I need to step into those glass slippers and straighten my tiara. The ones who have that special smile when you're about to do something scary (like go on a date) and they tell you that you're beautiful, that they will kill the kid if he so much as touches you, and that you'll be just fine. God has a special place in His kingdom reserved for men like the ones that I have grown to love so very much.

So... thank you. You know who you are.

Consider yourself hugged.

Life's Little Lessons

2012-01-27T14:04:00.000-08:00

It's been a little while. I've found that when I've got a lot of learning to do (not necessarily a lot going on), I don't blog/write as much. I think writing helps me to organize the crazy thoughts that run rampant through my mind. So if I'm organizing those thoughts on my own, writing gets overlooked.

Anyway, I'll update you on the comings and goings of Kaylee.

But first and most importantly, check out my awesome picture!

See a resemblance? That's okay, I didn't either. But I took that picture while I ran back to my summer apartment and spent the weekend with my old roommate. She studies dental hygiene so she "just so happens" to have a skull in her closet. Not to mention a model of a mouth that you can pull the teeth out of. SUPER gross, really, but kind of sickeningly satisfying to pull the teeth out of "someone's" mouth.

Anywho:

Grad school = Still no word yet. Not really surprised, but... still anxious. I'll make sure to keep you updated.

Institute: I freaking love institute. Unfortunately, there was a fire in the institute, so they closed it for a couple of days, but it will be up and running tomorrow! YAY! I'm looking forward to it. :)

Dating: Oh yes, I know you're all anxiously wondering how my love life is going.

Well, it's not going. =D

For January I decided I needed to do a dating fast and not go on any dates for the month. I'm not going to lie, I wanted to do it to kind of de-stress and not have to go on dates... But I ended up learning a lot of important things. I have learned a lot about myself and what I want for dating.

For example... I want to have fun! Dating seems so darn serious alllll the time. I think my generation has really missed out on dating and courtship. We go on a handful of dates and then people expect it to get serious. What's wrong with just going on a date for fun? Just because you can?

And just because you like someone doesn't mean you have to date them. It might just mean you like someone. And that's okay! Eventually, yes, the goal of dating is to be serious and get married, but... I don't want marriage to be serious all the time... so I don't think my dating should be either.

I've also learned that, though it's good to change and try to grow, that being YOU is very, very important. I'm the only ME I have, and while I want it to be the best ME there is, I want it to remain purely KAYLEE.

2012-01-21T12:07:00.000-08:00

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
--Albert Camus

Grad School

2012-01-10T11:29:00.001-08:00

There is a light at the end of the tunnel! My professor turned in the letter of recommendation (SuH-wEeT!), my letter of intent is done and being revised... Everything else is GOLDEN! Ah, so excited.

Pretty much, this is going to be awesome.

UPDATE: I have officially submitted my application. BoooooYAH! What a good feeling! I hope everything's in (it should be), but man, am I glad to be done! (even though I still have another school, but the first is always the hardest, right?) After hitting the "Submit Application" button I thought I was going to vomit for about 15 minutes after, but nothing like a little internship paperwork filing to knock the feeling right out of you!

Therapy

2012-01-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

These give me perspective.

This tastes yummy and makes me happy.

This makes everything better.

He gives me giddy, happy feelings inside.

And now I get to go do this.

Be Still, My Soul

2012-01-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

I was sitting here in my room just now feeling kind of sorry for myself. I feel frustrated with the changes that are happening (and the ones that are NOT happening), kind of just wishing everything would right itself. I know things don't work that way, but... a girl can hope.

I was thinking about how I don't know if I'll get into BYU, how I don't know what I'll do if I don't get into grad school, how I don't want to end up working in food or retail for the rest of my life, how I miss my best friend (x2), how I miss my old ward on campus and how we used to always do stuff together. I was thinking about how when I set a "goal" that's important to me, but it makes others upset or feel bad or something, that I feel like I have to drop it. Even when it's important to me. I was thinking about the process of being social and how it would be good for me to get out more and do more things, but hate meeting new people because I get so incredibly, painfully shy around them.

I was thinking about marriage and how I've only caught a glimpse of it once... and it took me a really long time to get to that point. "Only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony." I am not patient, as you may have guessed.

Then, as I was laying back on my bed, I thought of the blessing that Bro. Hunsaker gave me a while back where it said to, "Calm your spirit." The blessing said a lot about letting go of the anxiety I had at the time... And I thought of how I probably needed the same thing again.

And then I heard the music that was softly playing in the background:

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change, he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at least.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

It was kind of perfect. It talks about change, the future, fear, tears, disappointment, confidence, the "mysterious now" becoming bright... at last!, patience... and Be still, my soul. Calm your spirit. The Lord is there. He's constant when change and disappointment run rampant. No matter how chaotic the world may seem and feel, the waves and winds still know who is God. They still obey His word.

*deep breath*

It'll be okay.

Year With Christ

2012-01-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

I'm starting a new project for 2012.

It's here. :)

Check it out.

P.S. Don't judge the first awkward post. It's harder to start one of these than it looks.

If You Love Something

2011-12-31T00:04:00.000-08:00

This was originally featured elsewhere, but I figured I could share this...

_____________________________

I've never understood the adage of, "If you love something, let it go; if it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it never was."

I always thought it was stupid. I mean, shouldn't you hold onto something if you love it? Doesn't that prove that you love it, because you're not willing to give it up?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm starting to have second thoughts.

I always imagine birds when I think of this quote, so for the sake of imagery, we'll use a cute little bird. And for the sake of making this whole thing make sense, I'll be the bird in this scenario.

I'm a delightful little bird that floats along the treetops, chirping my gay little tune and smiling down on the earth below while the sun warms my back and my wings. On the ground, I see a human-shaped person and fly closer to get a better look. How intriguing these wingless creatures are! It sees me and tries to come closer, but I fly away.

But the human creature is patient and speaks ever-so-sweetly to me, and I feel like he couldn't be much harm after all. I decide to come a little closer and show off my beautiful feathers. He likes that. But when he reaches out his hand to hold me, I am startled and fly a few yards away.

Patient as always, the human creature waits with his kind words and sweet smile until I come to him once more and allow him to hold me in his hands.

Now here, ladies and gentlemen, is where the story can go in many different directions. Mainly two, actually, but you get the idea. As I sit on his hand, he clasps it around, holding me tightly. Despite my efforts to fly away, he holds onto me. He loves my beautiful feathers and happy little song so much that he doesn't want me to fly away. So... he keeps me in a cage.

I don't sing anymore. My feathers loose their luster. I'm no longer beautiful.

OR.... He goes to hold onto me, but when he can see that I'm struggling to fly away, he lets me go with a sad smile, but love in his heart, saying, "As you wish, little bird. I would love for you to keep me company, but I would not hold you against your will." His kindness and willingness to let me come and go as I please draws me to him... And I stay with him as long as I can. And when I fly away or he goes home for the evening, the next morning as we meet again, I can sing to him of my adventures since he left.

If you love something, let it go.

There's a song I like. It's called Sad Song by Christina Perri. Want to know what part I like? It goes a little something like:

"I'm so sorry,
It's not like me,
It's maturity that I'm lacking.

So don't, don't let me go
Just let me know
That growing up goes slow.

I'm realizing that growing up really does go slow... but so often, I need to be reminded of that. I'm grateful that I have the gospel in my life and the power of the atonement to help me change and be a better person.

I had my own little miracle last week (or earlier... I can't remember, but it's been just over a week). I was so tired of feeling insecure and down on myself all the time... I was tired of wondering why I'm not good enough, why I'm not loved more, why I feel detached from everything, and why I just... didn't feel worth a whole lot. I realized that believing that was contrary to the will and plan of God, that it's not true. I AM worth something. I AM good enough.

So... I prayed. I don't know that I've ever prayed like that before. I felt truly humbled... and I was reminded of that scripture that talks about those that are compelled to be humble, and how those that are humble without being compelled are better off... yada yada.... but point is... I was humble anyway. I put my faith in the atonement and asked that He would take it away.

And then.. it was gone.

And it's still gone.

I don't know how permanent it will be. It'll probably be something I struggle with for a while. It seems to be something so deeply rooted in my person that I would imagine that it will take time to heal completely.

But... Maybe it won't. The atonement can heal anything, and can heal it instantly. That's the power and beauty of it. I don't know how it will play out, but I do know that I'm grateful for it right now. It has offered a lot of clarity of mind and inner peace. I feel capable of doing hard things. I feel worth liking.

This week I've realized a few things I want.

I want people to be excited to do something with me. It doesn't have to be giddy extreme excitement, but at least... some excitement.

I want whomever I end up with to be different from my family the way that I'm different from my family... so that he will still fit in and we can BE a family, but I can have my own family... and it can be the family that I want.

I want about a bazillion kids.

I want to learn new things, like how to paint. I want to take an art class like it's nobody's business. I'm going to go to Michael's in the next little while and hopefully sign up for something. I want to play chess (I learned last night and I quite like the game). I want to read lots of good books. I want to dance.

I want to discover who Kaylee is, so that when I meet Mr. Wonderful, he has something to latch onto.

And more importantly than Mr. Ridiculously Slow Wonderful, I want to have something that the Lord can use. I want to be important as a single person (in the right ways).

Really, I'm kind of looking forward to letting go.

Books to Read

2011-12-29T16:44:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to build my reading list and need some book suggestions.

As you may have noticed (or probably not), I've got a new page tab up yonder called "Books I Want to Read"

Comment and tell me what books you LOVE or have been meaning to read so I can have some ideas!

Quote of the Night

2011-12-29T00:46:00.001-08:00

"Aren't you getting tired of something that's already tired of you?"

Big Plans

2011-12-27T00:03:00.000-08:00

In case any of your were wondering, I've managed to get out of the funk. Sort of.

Christmas has come and gone (though I'm still the person who's diligently turning the Christmas tree lights on every time I see that someone turned them off). It was a good day. My grandma came over and the whole family, Mom, Dad, Cody, and Kim (plus Zoey and Eddy, too!) opened presents after morning church.

I was spoiled.

After presents, we made pyclats (I really have no idea what that means). It's a recipe that my dad's mom made when he was a kid. They're basically crepes, but it was fun to use that recipe and relive part of my dad's childhood and memories of his mom with him. Not to mention, they were stinking delicious. I made this cream cheese filling and we had strawberries... Holy yum.

After, I think most everyone settled down for a Christmas nap (I don't remember what I did, but I have the unfortunate curse of being unable to nap 9/10 times a nap is presented to me). When evening rolled around, we made a delightful Christmas dinner (which I proudly made a large part of it).

All in all, it was a great day. I'm very blessed with family and friends.

Now, as the year comes to an end and a new chapter of my life is opening up, I find myself stressing a little bit over silly things, such as letters of recommendation for grad school (which I haven't fully applied for yet... I've got about two weeks until the deadline.... Oh dear...). Did I mention I was being sarcastic when I said "silly things?"

Yeah, stress. But I can't bring myself to apply. I know I should. I know I want to. But somehow... I don't want to. It's moments like these when I miss an old friend.

Also, I lost my ring. I've had it for well over a year.... and worn it probably every day since I bought it. It really, really bothers me that I don't know where it is. It's even in our house. Somewhere. My fear is that it's lost in the garbage somewhere. Why is that my fear? I have no idea, but that's what I'm afraid of. I suppose I'll probably end up dumpster diving in the next few days. It's eating a hole in my stomach.

With all these crazy happenings (granted, I only mentioned one truly crazy thing), I am feeling really... blah. I'm in need of a few good goals. It's time to make changes. Improvements. Expansions. Modifications. Refurbishing. You know, time to grow.

I keep thinking of things I want to change and improve, and I keep telling myself that I'm going to sit down one of these days and write them all down on my huge whiteboard and work out a plan to actually get those things accomplished... but I haven't yet. I'm still procrastinating. I'm still trying to pull myself together.

My question is... why dod I insist on waiting? I guess it just seems fitting that I do it all at the beginning of a new year. I suppose that makes sense: New year means new beginning. But I've always thought that was rather cliche and ... predictable. I suppose I feel like I need to be different somehow.

Yeah, my life is boring enough that making goals NOT at the New Year seems rebellious and feels like I'm shaking things up.

But the point is... I think I'm starting to want to take more control of things. For example... if I go to grad school (where ever I may go), I'm going to move out. I figure grad school's going to put me in debt anyway... I might as well be an adult and get out of my parents' basement.

I'm going to start studying better. Studying ALL things. I want to read more. I don't think it's sunk in that I have time to read yet. The other day I was thinking about this... and I thought, "I'd better get on it.... Christmas break is going to be over before you know it and I haven't done an ounce of reading!" And then I realized: I'm done with school. I have all the time in the world to read.

And I still haven't done it. (= But I will. It's on my To Do list.

At dinner yesterday my brother told me it was time to show someone that not only am I the girl I've been, am, and can be, but that I'm a woman, too.

A woman? Me?

Yeah, that's a weird title I haven't really accepted yet. I still feel like a girl. Just a youngster. But... I'm not that young. I mean, I am pretty young, but... I'm 23. I'm a college graduate (basically). GRADUATE. I have a degree.

I guess I need to show myself that I'm a woman, too.

Out of the Funk

2011-12-21T11:40:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or does Christmastime seem to be accompanied by a bit of a funk?

A lot of times, I feel like Christmas has already come and passed, and somehow, I missed it all. I think not having "real school" has bothered me quite a bit more than I'd like. Not working is irksome. Not being with my core group of girls makes me feel kind of .. absent.

I don't know what my deal is. Maybe I need to go shopping for Christmas stuff. Maybe I need to listen to Christmas music (though I've been doing that a lot more than I usually do). Maybe there needs to be a massive snowstorm where I sit inside and watch it through the window while watching a Christmas movie.

Maybe I just need a royal attitude adjustment.

Pun intended.

Royal Attitude Adjustment Found Here

Get to work, Kaylee.

Picking a Scab

2011-12-18T01:10:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that sometimes we have hurts and pains that are deep, and some that are superficial, but picking at it just makes it worse?

It's like when my mom used to tell me that I shouldn't pick at scabs when I was a kid because it would make it worse and then it would scar.

Well, maybe I need to stop picking at a few emotional scabs.

I know that I need to let go of a few things. Past hurts. Past loves. Past thought processes. It's good to re-evaluate your way of thinking sometimes. Keep your mind open to new possibilities and new options.

But sometimes it's really hard to let go. Sometimes you have a dream that is so incredibly dear to you and you just ache at the thought of releasing it. You pick at the scab, over and over again, because you know it's there. It bothers you that it's there. You want it gone. So instead of letting go and letting it heal, what do you do?

You pick at it. You scratch it and itch it and pick at it until it bleeds again. Eventually, the scab usually goes away. But then you're left with a scar.

This isn't what you wanted. You wanted to get rid of it. You wanted that hideous thing OUTTA there.

Or did you? Perhaps if you had left it alone, let it go, and moved on instead of paying all this attention to it and picking at it and showing such favoritism to your scab, maybe it would've high-tailed it out of there.

But now you got exactly what you wanted: Something forever there reminding you of the pain you once felt.

Yeah, it's 2:30 in the am. I'm tired. My heart kind of hurts tonight. Forgive me for the rambling. I love you all. Truly. Every one of you. Even you, kind reader, who think I don't know about you. I love you, too. I hope you're well. I hope you're happy. I hope he's happy, and she's happy, and its happy... I hope I'm happy.

Christmas Miracle

2011-12-11T21:41:00.000-08:00

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I decided that I wanted to "let my light shine" and use my piano playing skills (which are lacking) to play on Sunday in front of everyone. I'm thinking... it's a musical meeting. There will be lots of people playing... no big.

Um.. dumb.

First of all, the performance was a lot sooner than I anticipated. Like, two weeks sooner.

Then... no matter how much I practiced the world's easiest Jon Schmidt Christmas song (Were You There?), I could never get the climax to sound right. My fingers were always in the wrong place, and mistakes were everywhere.

This morning rolled around and I found myself on my knees praying that I wouldn't mess up as horribly as I had been during my practice sessions. I was freaked. After ward council, I went to practice for a few minutes before church began. After three or four run-throughs, I still hadn't made it all the way through the song without some horribly out of key error. Sometimes I could flub through and at least play notes that were in the same key and made sense, but... these ones were doozies! I sighed and went in to the meeting.

My turn came: I was the only piano solo on the list. I was different. I would stand out. I set my music on the stand, took a deep breath, and started to play. My hands shook... Violently. I was so surprised that I was able to play at all. Soon my leg started shaking, too. I was nervous. Really nervous. So nervous, in fact, that I could barely notice the music that was in front of me. I was relying on instinct half the time... which I knew from previous experience wasn't that great of a way to go.

But... despite the crazy shaking and my lack of being able to see the darn music.. The climax came and went... And I played through it. I think I modified the song here and there (on accident... and not where I usually mess up), but... from what I could tell... it actually sounded like it was supposed to (then again, my head was pulsating blood like a waterfall, so I could't really hear anyway).

I actually started laughing to myself as I played because I knew that there was no way I was doing it on my own. It was a miracle.

I finished the song, sat down, and we finished the musical program. Now... I know this is a little thing. Maybe I was just the right amount of nervous to pull it together... But I don't think so. I think that someone helped my hands know what to do, and my heart know how to find the notes. It was just a little testimony to me that God knows us. He knows our fears. He knows when we're putting forth our best effort and it's not always going to be enough. But He also knows that we ARE putting forth our best effort, despite how terrified we might be. And He will help us to make that little something become that much more.

Later on tonight, one of the guys in my ward was telling everyone about some thoughts he had about Christmas for our Ward Prayer devotional, and he mentioned that while I was playing the piano today, he thought it was a beautiful song to just sit and think in.

This really touched me. I know that the Lord will magnify our gifts if we use them to express truths. I hope that my song today touched someone's life for good. I hope that people felt the Spirit and knew that Christ was their Lord and Redeemer.

Down - Jason Walker

2011-12-09T23:58:00.000-08:00

Just a note: I just like this song. It's not that I necessarily feel this way (though sometimes I do). It does, however, kind of strike a chord with me and trying to figure out when to let go of things and desires. Oh, the delicate balance of reaching for the stars and going for your dreams, all while being realistic.

I don't know where I'm at

I'm standing at the back

And I'm tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground.

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it's coming down, down, down.

I'm not ready to let go

Cause then I'd never know

What I could be missing

But I'm missing way too much

So when do I give up, what I've been wishing for.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I'll never know why it's coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

Can't find another way around

And I don't want to hear the sound

of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky,

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I never know why it's coming down, down, down

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I'll never know why it's coming down, down down

Time Out

2011-12-05T20:11:00.000-08:00

Today I learned a great lesson from my cat.

I was sitting here, grumpily checking Facebook (I've been grumpy all day), and my cat came up to me, purring like a chain saw and trying to sit on my lap where my laptop was. At first I was really irritated. He wouldn't go away, and he kept rubbing his little wet nose on me (I can't stand that feeling). I pushed him away so many times and I was getting really frustrated and angry. I was already upset enough; I didn't need my cat bugging me more.

But after a second, I set my laptop aside, pulled my cat close, and just snuggled with him and scratched his ears. His purring got louder (if that's even possible), and he closed his eyes and his tongue stuck out a little like it does when he's happy. After a minute, he was tired of being cuddled and left.

It got me to thinking... Loving people (or cat's) is not always convenient. There are going to be times as a parent when I'm probably going to want to wring my kid's neck, but that's not really appropriate. I need to set aside my selfish wants and desires to give that kid as much love as I can.

And then I thought even more... And I came to realize that I'M the irritating kid/cat that comes whining for love when I perhaps don't deserve it (and who are we kidding? there's no "perhaps" about it). Especially when it comes to my Heavenly Father. I'm glad He doesn't get irritated with me and try to push me away, but instead always makes time for me and takes a Time Out to love me.

Employed

2011-12-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

For all of you who are anxiously awaiting to find out if I got the job or not...

... I got the job. =D

They called me yesterday to tell me. Hot dang, I was excited! :) I'm still super excited. I kept saying, "I got a job!" at random intervals throughout the day, haha. In the middle of conversations, in the quiet parts... whenever I saw someone... It was kind of epic. :)

In other news, I've been REALLY wanting to see How to Train Your Dragon again. It's been a little while. Maybe it's because I have a thing for Hiccup and Jay Baruchel (I'd say you can't choose who you love, but that's a philosophy that's quickly changing for me). Or perhaps it's because my cat has an uncannily resemblance to Toothless.

Yeah, I dunno. All I know is that I can't find the dang thing in our house.

Anywho, that's pretty much all I had to say. But now, an important question:

Which emoticon looks more like a pig?

=(:) OR :(=)

Or I can even bust out some ears...

Σ:(=) OR

Σ=(:)

Oh yeah :)

Guest Lecturer

2011-11-30T20:59:00.001-08:00

Today I was a "guest lecturer". Not really, but I kind of was. :) It does make me sound a bit more legit, I think.

I did, in fact, give a lecture to a class full of college students. It went for a whole class period, too, not just part.

Oh yeah, I'm cool like that.

The professor I work with had the class fill out review sheets to rate my performance. Overall, I scored really well, which is always nice. :) At the bottom, the students could write things I did well or suggestions. One of the students hit one of my weaknesses really well.

"I feel like she is fun, but she doesn't really smile, or has to act like she's not that fun... does that make sense? Just be fun and smile! Don't suppress it."

Oh yeah, that makes sense, haha. I think that's very true, and I think it comes from not being comfortable in my own skin sometimes. I get nervous that people won't like who I really am, so... I downplay it. A lot. And in the process, I start to lose who I really am. Use it or lose it.

My favorite comment, however, came later. In answering, "What did you especially like about today's lecture?" one young man wrote:

"Nice hair!"

Well, I might not know how to show that I'm fun, I've at least got nice hair! :) Oh yeah, I know how to work it, haha. It totally made my day.

I'm still waiting back to hear if I got the job at the Bookstore or not. I'm really hoping I did. I'm excited. :) I also feel really confident about the whole ordeal, so... hopefully that's a good sign. :) If not, then I'm sure that the Lord has other plans for me. I'm okay with that. :)

In other news, my brother sent me this text today:

"I am so going to win 'best x-mas present from a brother' award... I rule!"

Who's officially excited for Christmas???

Winter

2011-11-28T17:42:00.000-08:00

I've winterized the blog. The old pink-and-warm blog layout felt almost like it was mocking me.

I really miss spring and summer.

I'm winding down to the end of my last semester of college (holy smackerole!). The stress is hitting. Mostly because I procrastinated for too long.

Oh yeah, I'm good at that. But the one benefit of procrastination (at least for me) is that it forces me to give myself deadlines.... because I stress myself out to the point where I can't function doing normal activities because the weight of not having my homework done is crushing, haha.

Oh well, right?

In other news, I'm also working on grad school applications. It's a little stressful, but I've kind of put all that on the back burner for now. I'm only applying to two schools, so at least that's not so bad.

I have a job interview tomorrow as well for a job on campus. My friend, Melissa, works there and has been ever-so-kindly helping me through the application process. I'd REALLY like to get this job... it'd honestly be so perfect for me if I could. I'd be on campus so I could still take institute. They apparently need someone who can cover shifts (which I'd be able to). I'm not taking classes next semester so I could cover a LOT of hours, haha. :) I just need a job. It helps me to focus.

I'm excited for Christmas break to come. Friends will be moving back to town. Snow will come. :) I can READ all the time just for fun! That's my favorite part of Christmas break... endless reading! I've already planned out reading Inheritance, the rest of Fablehaven, and then some church books.

I've got a "new" friend (newly close) that's really inspired me to read more. I love reading for fun... and I usually read fun books. Reading, to me, is my escape. But I'm starting to realize more and more that escaping doesn't necessarily have to be to another world or time. Maybe it's just losing your mind in another topic... like the gospel. I want to be better at reading for learning.

And, as always... Dating = Stress for me right now. I have, however, realized more and more that loving someone is a choice. The problem comes when you have to finally make the choice. And then when you have to hope they make the same choice.

Oy vey.

Well, I'm off for now. I think dinner is almost ready, and then I'm off to FHE. I hope all is going well for all-y'all.

Until next time!

--Kaylee

Dear Boys

2011-11-21T00:12:00.000-08:00

I couldn't help but laugh at the title of this book. Oh, life.

Welcome, dear friends, to another round of "Dear Boys".

Dear You Also,

I know you mean well. I really do. I know you want to help me. But I also need to be able to be who I am. I know I'm broken when you dig down in there. I see it. But I'm also pretty good at living a functional life, for the most part. You're a guy, a fixer. I get it.

Just listen.

--Kaylee

Dear Person on the Other End,

I think we should be awkward friends.

Oh wait... Haha :)

--Kaylee

Dear Farmer (as my supervisor affectionately calls you),

I have fun with you. I still get nervous around you. But I like you. I can decide if you like me or not, but... you're causing some emotional distress.

-- Me

Dear Stubborn,

I just want you to know that I'm probably more miserable about this than you are.

--Kaylee

Dear Once Upon a Time,

I'm wondering if things are really only "once" upon a time. Maybe the time past. Maybe it was only once. I don't want to hold on if it's pointless. I guess it's just hard for me to forget.

And they lived....

--Kaylee

Dear Butterfly,

I think you're pretty awesome. I don't know what to do about it.

--Kaylee

Dear Nemo,

You freaking crack me up. I love doing stuff with you, and I think you are hilarious. I think we should play more.

--Kaylee

Dear Packer-of-Heat,

I think you're nifty. Kind of to the point it scares me. Just a little. You have a lot of qualities that I love, and I'm really glad. It's comforting. I hope we can keep learning more about each other.

--Kaylee

He Lives!

2011-11-20T09:07:00.001-08:00

You need to watch this.

Mark Mabry -- He Lives!

Please. You will like it.

Cherry Blossom Snowflakes

2011-11-15T17:42:00.000-08:00

I'm excited for spring. Oh my, how I am excited for spring.

It's not even winter officially here yet. Sigh. It's going to be a long, cold one. I think if people around here would stop listening to Christmas music so early on it would help me stagger out my holidays better and keep everything in order. However, when I'm seeing Santa's sleigh flying over the Jack-O-Lantern in store windows and my mom is watching cheesy Christmas movies with my grandma (also known as "gently falling snow" movies... there's always a kiss in the gently falling snow), Christmas gets old, and fast.

I'm not a Grinch, I promise. I love Christmastime. I love gently falling snow. I love the thought of kissing under the mistletoe (Which reminds me! I need to add that to the Life Dreams part of my blog!). I love Christmas carols. I like wrapping up in my pea coat and scarf and walking in the snow at night.

Love, love, LOVE.

I just don't like doing it in November.

But apparently that makes me a bad person with no Christmas spirit.

Well, all you Thanksgiving-skippers, you kill my Christmas mood. And the moods of many others. Just in case you care.

But you're out hanging up Christmas lights, so I know you don't.

In other news, I'm working on applying to graduate school for the fall. I got GRE test scores back (well, the "school down south" got my scores). I'm working on getting my letters of recommendation lined up. It's a process. I'm excited though. I'm going on a road trip down south to meet with some faculty at my number one hopeful. I'm looking forward to it. :)

So, if you feel the need to send some good ju-ju vibes my way, I'm sure I would appreciate it. :)

Until next time...

--Kaylee

From Peter

2011-11-10T23:07:00.000-08:00

"We don't really know what we believe in or care about until what we believe in or care about is threatened, challenged, or measured."
--Sheri Dew

In my institute class yesterday we talked about Peter. The lesson was by probably my favorite institute teacher, and it was called "Advice from Peter." He gave us 5 little "one-liners" of advice that he thought Peter would give us if he were here.

Let Down Your Nets - Luke 5:1-11; John 21 - "Nevertheless, at they word I will let down the net." Even after we've been working so hard for something and coming up short, if Christ asks you to do something, do it. Period.
Lest We Should Offend - Matt. 17:24-26 - "It is better to break a rule than a spirit."
Do Things to Lift - John 1:40-42, 47; Mark 3:17 - Lift people and help them to see who they can become
Don't Go to Caiphas' Palace - Matt. 26:31-34; Luke 22:54-62 (verses 60-62 are haunting and make me cry... Here we were asked to imagine what kind of look the Savior was giving Peter. Talk about ripping out your heart); John 18:12-27 - There's a C.S. Lewis quote that talks about us building a house and the Lord will knock it down to show us that it was simply a house of cards. Sometimes, despite how strong we think we are, we can be taken down. Don't go into situations where we may be brought down.
At Times We Give and At Times We Need to Receive - John 13:4-10 - It is great to go out and serve others... It is also okay to let others serve you. It's okay to ask for help.

I am finding that while the Lord has sent us a comforter and will send us peace, it isn't necessarily free. We have to fight for it and earn it. I am finding that the older I get, and even the "better" I get, the more I have to fight. The Lord pushes me to be better. Even when I think I've made it to a nice resting spot and I feel that second comforter so easily and want to good and be good and help everyone I see and smile all day long... it doesn't last. It's like the Lord says to me, "Okay, you've seen how it can be, now keep moving. We've got a lot of mountain to climb."

"And again, I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived; for Satan is abroad in the land, and he goeth forth deceiving the nations--

Wherefore he that prayeth, whose spirit is contrite, the same is accepted of me if he obey mine ordinances.

He that speaketh, whose spirit is contrite, whose language is meek and edifieth, the same is of God if he obey mine ordinances.

And again, he that trembleth under my power shall be made strong, and shall bring forth fruits of praise and wisdom, according to the revelations and truths which I have given you."
--- D&C 52: 14-17

We talked about how having a contrite heart is to have one that is broken and bruised... Sounds fun, doesn't it? But I'm grateful to know that God has a plan for me, that He loves me.

An Unexpected Reader

2011-11-07T22:12:00.000-08:00

I just wanted you all to know...

... God reads my blog. :)

Haha, I know it's kind of a silly thing to say, but... It's pretty awesome.

I got a blessing today. A great deal of it was about "Part B" and all that.

He cares.

Point B

2011-11-06T13:41:00.000-08:00

"Beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."

Have you ever prayed about something to see if it's what should happen, and then you get the answer that it should (or as far as you can figure that's what your answer is)... and then you're left saying to yourself,

"Great! ... Now, how on earth am I supposed to make it happen?"

This, my friends, is the conundrum of getting from Point A to Point B.

I have a lovely situation in life where I prayed and prayed and prayed to know if Point B was where I should be going... because Point B was pretty darn desirable. I got an answer along the lines of, "Be patient, I will work it out." It was satisfying for a little while, but... I soon grew impatient. Point B was pretty darn awesome, and I was not okay with giving it up. Again, "Be patient, I'm working it out."

Okay, I'm being patient. (Sorta)

I'm trying to trust and believe that Point B is coming.

The part that I'm impatient with is not knowing HOW to get to Point B. Part A, B, and C all have to line up... and it's ... hard. BUT... I take comfort from the earlier quote. If we felt right about it when we prayed, then it is still right now.

So... even though sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith (see Indiana Jones and the ... Last Crusade? Lanta, I don't remember what it's called... I almost said the Goblet of Fire! The one where he has to step off the ledge...), keep walking forward and trust that God will guide you to where you're supposed to be.

Tick Tock Tick Tock...

2011-11-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

Do you hear that?

What is that mysterious ticking noise?

Don't worry, Harry, it's not a pipe bomb.

It's just my biological clock.

I Pledged Allegiance and Said Amen

2011-10-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

As any semi-faithful reader might know, I usually don't go political on here. Religious, sure, but not the political arena.

Don't worry. I'm not going to go totally political on you. I don't really care for who's running for president (I know I should). I don't care what is happening in Washington as much as I probably should. What I care about though, is what is happening in homes and towns across the nation.

Let me explain.

Today for my internship, I was able to accompany my supervisor to a Senior Citizen Health Fair and give out pamphlets and information about programs for elderly people. We drove about an hour to a little town in Idaho just off the interstate. The town consisted of one gas station, two adorable little diners, and a long stretch of road that went by about two dozen old homes.

After an even longer stretch of road, we pulled up to a small, red brick building that served as the town's elementary school and senior center. We walked into the tiny gymnasium and set up our booth to greet the incoming seniors. After a few hours of talking with seniors, we sat all gathered in the center of the gym. There were about fifty seniors, maybe 15 people running booths and the fair, and then about 12 children.

You heard me. Twelve children. In the whole school.

That is not twelve kids in a class. Twelve kids of different grades and ages.

There are many directions I can go with this. I can easily talk about class sizes in my elementary school being at least double that number (sometimes tripled) and how the education system could use reform.

I could talk about how there were 50 seniors in the community compared with 12 school children (and last I checked, school is mandatory, while going to a senior citizen health fair is not) and make some remark on the aging population in the U.S. and the decline in the total fertility rate (yeah, I'm throwing those words around because I'm in a demography class and have a test tomorrow).

But that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the reverence with which they treated the flag of the United States, which they lovingly displayed at lunch before saying the Pledge of Allegiance. I can't remember the last time I said the Pledge of Allegiance. I remember saying some crazy oath and pledge when I got hired on at the Air Force base, but that's about where my memory of facing the flag and pledging myself and my allegiance to the country whose history I love and honor fades.

After one of the children led the Pledge, an older gentleman rose to his feet, removed his farm cap, and said a prayer. Right there in school. He expressed gratitude for the building, for the friendships made there, for this land, for the food and bounties we had. The only thing he asked for was a blessing on the food and those who had prepared it.

I sat in my seat for a while before I went to get my food. My initial reaction was, "Uh oh..." After too many lessons on the separation of church and state, I was pretty certain that government agents would be repelling through the windows at any moment to correct the wrong that had just happened.

Instead, however, all the seniors helped each other to their feet, patiently waited in line, graciously thanked the lunch ladies for their efforts and for the food, and sat down again, pausing only to pat a younger child on the head. I was struck by how peaceful and right I felt observing the scene. When I finally got my food, I sat down and said my own little prayer of gratitude for being apart of the event.

After the meal was over, a handful of pharmacy students (men in their mid-twenties), grabbed their belongings and left without much of a word. Meanwhile, men and women in their 70's and 80's, hauled chairs and large tables to their storage spot. Then the older men carried 50 lb sacks of potatoes out to someone's car.

On the drive home, I thought about how our country has changed in the past 50+ years. In my demography class we've been talking about the tradeoff between quantity of children and quality of children. There's been a shift from having lots of children (to help with the farm work, etc) to the quality of children (having a few and being able to "focus" on them and devote everything to them).

Isn't it funny that the quality of children, to some degree, has decreased since the quantity has also dropped? Parents aren't having less children so they can "focus all their time and energy" on the two. They're having less children so they can focus on THEMSELVES.

Children are not taught how to work hard anymore (myself most definitely included). We are not taught about the community and neighbors helping neighbors. We've gone from a country that valued hard work and decency to a country of entitlement and indecency. I was shocked at the four pharmacy students that left without a thought of helping to take down the booths and chairs. As they've been shown their whole lives, someone else will always do the dirty work for them.

WAKE UP, AMERICA.

Actions have consequences.

People need each other.

We need God.

Why is it a competition and a race to get as much money as possible? Why do we feel like we have to go to great and (semi)unethical lengths to save or gain money? Why must we kick God out of our schools, our communities, and our homes? Why do we keep telling Him to get the heck out of our lives (no pun intended), and then blame Him for when things go wrong?

What happened to caring about our children's education? The idea that it takes a village to raise a child? What happened to "who more than self their country loved"?

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America! God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for pilgrim feet,
Whose stern impassion'd stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America! God mend thine ev'ry flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Thy liberty in law!

O beautiful for heroes proved In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved,
And mercy more than life!
America! America! May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness,
And ev'ry gain divine!

O Beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam,
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America! God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

God bless America.

(No) Man Monday (except it's really Wednesday)

2011-10-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

This week I don't feel like writing a Man Monday post.

Sorry if anyone is disappointed. I'm just not feeling it. I've been trying to think of a suitable dude for this week for the past couple of days, and nothing comes.

I have been highly un-motivated this week. I don't want to do anything productive. At all. In fact, it might be going on longer than a week. I dunno. =/ Point is, I'm just not feeling it.

Bad llama.

In other news, I might actually be semi-motivated to drastically alter my room. Like... by painting it. Or something. Realistically, that's probably waaay more work than I'm willing to put into a project. On the other hand, I might be interested in at least getting rid of like, all my furniture. Well, maybe just some. I dunno.

I've gotta change things up somehow.

Wow, this is utterly boring.

I'm thinking of writing a book. A recipe book, to be exact. I think it could be epic. It's semi-original, pretty unique.... totally college student/bachelor approved.

Have I mentioned I love Mac and Cheese? :)

Me: Right Now #2

2011-10-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

Where I wish I were:

I would love to walk through a forest like that and just... walk. Listen. Breathe. Let my imagination run away.

I can see myself sitting on that bridge and watching leaves float around on the water. I'd throw pebbles and watch the ripples spread across the glass-smoothe surface. Let my feet dangle.

What I'm listening to: Lullaby - Billy Joel

What I'm reading:

What I have learned today:

If something awkward is going to be said, it's going to be when that one boy is near. Every time.
Sometimes being alone is okay.
Gratitude is the antidote to self-pity.
It's more fun to make someone else's day.

What I'm excited for:

Thanksgiving -- My friend is going to come stay with me. :) There is so much happiness!
Next weekend -- I cannot even express.
Next summer -- Church history, here I come! Boston, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Missouri, Illinois... Yeah, it's happening. :)

The quote that has hit me the hardest this week:

"It's not who you are that holds you back: It's who you think you're not."

What I'm going to work on:

Finding my talents and sharing them
Loving myself

Absolutes

2011-10-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

In the quest for the abundant life (see blog title up yonder ^ ), I think I've missed a few things.

I had a really long, good chat with a dear friend last night (and this morning... it all ran into one) about absolutes, self-talk, pride, etc., etc. He kindly pointed out how easily I say things like, "I hate it when..." or just "I hate" in general. But I rarely say that I love something.

He's right.

As I thought more about what he said, I realized that to me, love is an absolute. If you truly love someone or something, it shouldn't change. But... it always seems to change. People fall out of love, get divorced, treat each other horribly... People stop loving their favorite food. They stop talking to the friend that got them through all these really rough times, the friend that they absolutely loved.

So... if you can stop doing it, is love really absolute? I think it should be. So I don't say it unless I know that this opinion won't change. When I say that I love someone, I mean it, with everything I have. Nothing can change or stop it. And for me, it's been tested and tried time and time again.

My friend also said that if love is absolute, hate would be as well, but I can throw hate out casually. Well... I'm not going to anymore. I might still by accident, but... I'll think about what I say more. The moment between stimulus and response. Hate just seems changeable to me. You can always change something you hate to something you love. I suppose it's the same with love.

So, what do I really hate?

I hate wickedness.

I hate the actions of those who hurt their children and family.

I hate it when people won't stand up for morality and what is good.

I hate apathy.

That's really about it.

What do I love?

I love my cat.

I love walking bare foot through grass.

I love rainstorms.

I love my kids at Hill. Unconditionally and irrevocably.

I love to get lost in another world.

I love my dear friend who I've been through so much with. Nothing has changed it yet, and I find it hard to believe anything can.

I love my family. Even when I'm irritated, I still have an inner something that nags at me about what they mean to me.

I love the gospel. Even when I start to doubt, I've realized it's because I doubt myself more than what it teaches... But even when I doubt myself and whether or not I'm worth any of it, I love it with all my heart and hope that it's true. I know that this is its own category of pride, but... I'm working on it.

I love the feeling of being in water.

I love school and learning.

I love the idea of happily ever after.

I love the idea of being equal in marriage.

I love the idea of a big family.

I love to day dream.

I really love Mac and Cheese (it's a weakness)

I love quotes.

I love the smell of the ground after it rains (or the air right before it rains)

I love the smell of this one cologne from way back when.

I love it when my daddy brags about me to his friends.

I love it when my mom goes out of her way to do something for me, like buy 10 cans of soup when I'm sick, or makes M&C for me in the middle of the night.

I love it when people can see parts of me, like when I blog or write or share a talent, and they don't dislike it... when they actually like it.

I love being embraced. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Man Monday #3

2011-10-18T00:08:00.001-07:00

Michael Jackson

Don't judge. I only want him for his dancing abilities.

(And really, before he went totally weirdo and whatnot, he was kind of cute... I mean, isn't he cute in this pic?)

Today is my birthday.

Just thought I'd share.

Man Monday #2

2011-10-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome back, dear readers, to another episode of MAN MONDAY! Last week we featured the delightful Seeley Booth (who, as Heidi said, surpasses them all... and I agree), which you can read about here. But... another Monday is here, and therefore we have another man. This week it's all about....

Dave Stutler

AKA: Adorkable Dave

Dave is from The Sorcerer's Apprentice. A dorky guy who loves physics and layering, Dave is recruited by the sorcerer, Balthazar Blake, to be the Prime Merlinian and defeat Morgana, the evil sorceress. This movie is all about the nerdy dude rising to the top and realizing his own inner power, all while getting the girl. I'm a fan.

So why do I love Dave? Because Dave isn't afraid to be himself.... Most of the time. Like me, he knows he's a nerd, and loves the stuff he's nerdy about, but he's still a little self-conscious. No matter what, however, he'll always be true to himself and to those he loves. He's tries to impress the girl by taking something she loves, putting it into a format that he loves, and then saying awkward things to show it to her (like, "Step into my cage,".

I happen to be a fan. I have also realized that he looks to be about the most huggable dude I can imagine. I don't know why (maybe it's the layers and the red hoodie), but every time I see that movie, hear "Secrets" on the radio, or see a red hoodie (yeah, it must be the hoodie), I think of Dave and start craving hugs.

----ANYWAY----

In other news, I'm... sick. Or something. I don't know if I've got a weird thing of allergies going, a sinus infection, or a cold (or probably some cruel combination of all three, which is what I'm tempted to believe since cold medicine only gets rid of about half of it, allergy medicine only gets rid of some, and sinus meds only do some...), but it's sure miserable.

And speaking of misery... I'm taking the GRE on Thursday at 8 in the AM. Grrrrross. But, I took a practice test on Saturday, and I did pretty well on it, all things considered, but I should be pretty good to go as far as the actual GRE goes. Wish me luck and pray for me, okay? I'd really like to go to grad school.

That's all for tonight. I'm going to dash off in about an hour and a half to do another test review on campus... which is always fun, especially when you have no voice. Yay!

Until next time!

--Kaylee

Me: Right Now

2011-10-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

This poem picture really has little to do with the rest of the post. I just need to get some things out there and off my chest. Here's a little glimpse of me right now.

Things that annoy me:

My GRE software not working on any of the computers in our house
Distance
The cold weather (Okay, I actually like sweater weather and rain, but I was thoroughly enjoying bare feet and shorts)
Not being able to find my umbrella

Things that have made me happy:

Soup
Reading for fun until I fall asleep
Talking with friends old and new
Snuggling with my cat
Grilled cheese sandwiches
Singing hymns
Institute
My Alzheimer's Support Group (and the fact that they remembered I had a date)
Laser tag

Things that scare me:

Not passing the GRE/MAT
Not getting into grad school (because I don't pass the GRE/MAT and other reasons)
Disappointing the people that have believed in me because I don't do the aforementioned things
Alzheimer's Disease (starting to be worse than cancer)
Finding Mr. Right (sometimes scarier than being single)
Losing Mr. Right (irrational, I know, but...)

Things that encourage me:

My friends
My supervisor at work when she tries to find a single fault/weakness so we can tell my practicum advisor and she can't think of one
My professor pushing me to apply to grad school and telling me she'll work with me on the GRE/MAT and is recruiting me, so they'll pay for me to take it
My family (and specifically my brother)

Things that overwhelm me:

The gospel (in a good way)
The GRE (in a not-good way)
My Gerontology club positions (Service Vice Pres/Publicity)
Organizing a fund-raiser
Running test review sessions and designing practice quizzes
The thought of falling behind
My internship

Things that relax me:

Bones
Reading for fun
Sleeping in
Listening to rain
Talking to a select few friends
My cat's purring

Things that I think about a lot lately:

The GRE and grad school
My family
What it means to "redeem"
Music
Places I want to escape to
Going on the Restoration tour
What I can become
Improvement
2 separate boys that drive me nuts
Living up to expectations
Proving myself (to myself)
Balance

Man Monday

2011-10-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know that it's Tuesday.

BUT... Man Tuesday just doesn't have the same ring to it.

I got this idea from my friend, Melissa. She didn't actually do a weekly thing, but... I'm not sure I can sit down and write what I like about every fictional man in one go. Also, a note to all men out there... I'm going to list the QUALITIES I like. This is not me saying fictional men are better than real men. Don't get your knickers in a bunch.

So, for my first MAN MONDAY, I choose....

Agent Seeley Booth:

Agent Booth has a troubled past (sniper for the army, abused as a child, grew up in Pittsburg, etc.), but he's grown up to be a straight-up dude. Working for the FBI, he wants to put a baddy away for each person he had to kill as a sniper. He's deeply spiritual and goes with his gut. Me likey.

Why do I love him? I think it'd be easier to list the things I don't like... because that list is very small. But... the thing I really dig about Booth is his protective nature. Not only is he a super tough guy with an ultra sensitive side (yeah, yeah, I know it's unrealistic at best, haha), but he will do anything to keep his people safe. He will face all sorts of dangers to save the girl (and her friends).

The way he looks after Brennan is endearing to me. He knows she's quirky and doesn't have a lot of life figured out, but there's something about that part of her that he loves.

So what can I take away from this? I've realized that, besides the adorable crooked smile, this girl wants a guy who's going to protect her, even when she doesn't always need protecting. The other thing, and probably the most important one, is that I want someone to love me despite my quirks (or ideally, because of them). Even if I'm socially awkward, shy, and get excited about things like the smell of dirt when it rains... I want him to by enchanted by it... And not in an, "Oh, that's cute," sort of way. I've come to think of being called "cute" as a belittling term. Both and Brennan have a mutual respect and admiration that I absolutely love.

On the other end, Brennan is always saying how she wishes she could see the world through Booth's eyes and know what's going on in his head. For some reason, I think that's a deep sort of love. I don't really know how to explain it, but I think when I get to the point where I really want to see the world through someone else's eyes and understand how they look at things... it's going to mean something.

That, my friends, is something worth being enchanted over.

Reminiscing

2011-10-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

I realized that my last picture about guessing what I changed is not a very good one... And frankly, neither is this one. BUT... I'm hoping it shows it a little better.

I cut my hair! A whole 4+ inches (yes, I realize it's not that much, especially since my friend just chopped off a foot to donate to Locks of Love...). BUT... if you take into consideration that I have not cut it more than an inch at a time in the past two years (and two months), it is kind of a lot. And I loooove it. I love my hair shorter (this is almost too long, really) so it was great to go back to my style again.

Anyway, onto bigger and better things (and older)! My cousin recently shared with the family a bunch of pictures she got from old slides. There are a few gems in there that were making me laugh so hard! It's been super fun to look through old pictures of my family. I thought I'd share a few with you.

Here we have a delightful newborn babe. Who is that, you ask?

You guessed it! That little cutie pie is ME!

These next pictures are some of the ones that made me laugh. Find the adorable toddler (hint: look for the giant, purple arrow), and then check out my cousin next to me. Now, keep watching ...

BAM! Okay, there's actually another picture that was in between the two, but I didn't want to upload it. Basically... yeah... I just love that I started screaming.

I happen to think I look adorable in pigtails. :)

And finally, my favorite. Me and my brosky. We are cute. :)

Image

2011-09-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

I found this picture today, and I laughed... hard. Because that's what I feel like when I'm trying to do the whole "beautification process." Sometimes it just doesn't feel worth the effort.

Beauty hasn't felt worth the up-hill battle that it's been the past few weeks. One week I had a rash on my forehead thanks to some mysterious hair product, making my forehead look like it was attacked by the teeny pimple fairy. Then my hair will be too frazzled and I'll be "throwin' it o'er my shoulder like a continental soldier..." And then my eyeshadow wont go on right.... My eyebrows will be out of whack... blah blah blah.

It's a hard knock life.

But... I did do something to help me out (besides the whole eyebrow tweezing game).

Can you spot the change? (It's a little hard to see in this picture...)

Gold star to whomever gets it first!

Miracles

2011-09-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

This is another one of those posts that I hope my mother doesn't read.

I have been keenly aware of miracles that have been happening in my life lately. They're small and simple, but I think they are deeply profound. At least they are to me.

Tuesday night I had my favorite institute class. The Book of Mormon with Brother Jacobs. I LOVE it. After class, I went to ask him a question because I feel like there's been a disconnect in my life lately with what I know and what I feel. I know that what I believe is true. I don't doubt it. I think there's just... something missing. Brother Jacobs patiently listened as I stumbled through trying to express what I was feeling. I couldn't get it out right, but he said a few things that made me think and helped me.

On the drive home, I did some soul searching and prayed. A lot. It kind of takes a lot for me to "open my soul," if you will, but that's precisely what I tried to do.

I realized that I feel like everyone's always talking about how they feel the Spirit and all that... and I can never tell when I do. I mean, there are times when I'm deeply moved and I definitely can, yeah, but as a general rule, I just go throughout life and do what I think is best. My brain knows that good things come from God, so if I'm making good choices, then I would logically be inspired by the Holy Ghost. And I can definitely tell when the Spirit leaves... but how do I know if He's always there?

And I realized that I really, really want to know that He's there. I've also been told that eventually, we're supposed to be able to be trusted to be independent to some degree. "For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward. For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And insasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward," (D&C 58:26 & 28).

But that doesn't mean I want to be left alone...

Well, I came to some conclusions and realized that I need to do a few things better to help me know that He's there, and I'm going to work on them. The next morning, I took my demography test and had a little over a half hour with nothing to do, so I went to the computer lab to look up the Visiting Teaching message for the month. I read through it and then decided to do some searching for other things. I was typing in questions and trying to find something that really helped me with what I was needing. Eventually, I came to two talks.

1. Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson

2. What It Means to Know Christ by George W. Pace

They were kind of perfect. I haven't read through them all yet, but I've been started and they're really good. I printed them off and dashed to my next institute class with Brother Hunsaker.

I get to class and the first thing he does to open up his lesson is say, "Why is understanding the characteristics and powers of Christ important for us to know who He is?"

My jaw literally dropped. I had just printed off talks on coming to know who He is! I listened intently as we talked about the miracles that Christ performed during His mortal ministry and the powers it must take to do those miracles. One miracle, the healing of the nobleman's son, was a little more powerful to me than others. We talked about how Christ healed the son from a great distance, and so geography doesn't matter. A girl in my class brought up that she felt like it was harder for her to tell God about the things in her life that are really important, that it's almost like a plea of last resort, because when she prays over her lost iPod and it doesn't get answered, it's no big deal. But when she prays about something that is really meaningful and it feels like she isn't getting an answer... it really hurts.

Yeah, that nailed it on the head for me. I think I have such a hard time opening up when I pray about big things because... if it feels like He's not there, it'd be killer.

Another girl who was talking about the miracle and how geography didn't matter said that it helps to know that space and distance doesn't really matter because He still has power. She said that it helps her to know that He doesn't have to be right there holding her hand the whole time for Him to be helping her. That really struck me. That's exactly what I'd been wanting... someone to hold my hand. But through talking, I realized that I don't need it. I've felt it before, and oh, how I love it, but it's not necessary for me. It wont change whether or not I follow Him.

I was kind of in awe of the answers that were flowing to me.

Today in my other institute class (yeah, I'm taking five...), we talked about the worth of souls. "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him," (D&C 18:10-11). The whole lesson was really great in helping me to remember that the Lord loves ME enough to give me His name, and take upon Himself my name so that I might return to live with my Father in Heaven once more.

I felt so unworthy of the love that I felt, as imperfect as I am. But He loves me anyway, and I'm grateful for it.

The last miracle is a little more temporal and physical.

This is also where I hope my mother stops reading.

Last night as I was reading my scriptures, I lit a candle in my room. It smells like mangos and happiness, and I really like it. I finished reading the chapter I was on and thought to myself, "I should go get those talks I printed off and get some ice cream." I wasn't even sorta tired.

The next thing I know, I wake up to a pitch black bedroom, curled up nice and warm in my bed.

Um... what? I checked my phone. It was 4am. I looked around in confusion. The candle was out. My light was turned off. I wondered if my mom or dad had snuck down in the middle of the night and blown out the candle and turned out the light (in which case, I could expect a thorough whoopin'. Candles are a no-no). Either way, I offered a quick prayer thanking Heavenly Father for taking care of me.

Later on today, I text my mom asking if she'd been in my room last night. She said, "No, why?" I just told her that my light had been turned off. She figured I'd turned it off in my sleep. Maybe I had, but I usually remember that. And I wouldn't have thought of blowing out my candle. Maybe my candle had just burned itself out? Nope. The wick is still the right length, and the wax was only sort of melted. It hadn't been burning long enough to burn itself out. My dad didn't lecture me about it today. Plus, if it'd been my dad, he would've done it when he got up for work, which would've been two hours after I'd already been awake.

My conclusion? I don't know how the candle was blown out and my light was turned off. I really don't. Maybe I did it in the middle of the night without knowing it (though I really doubt this, especially since when I woke up, my scriptures and everything was still next to me... and if I had blown out the candle and turned out the light, I would've moved my scriptures to help me sleep better). All I know is that my Father in Heaven was looking out for me. I have the image in my mind of a loving father gently tucking in his daughter, turning off the light, and blowing out the candle.

Miracles exist, my fine brothers and sisters. Don't overlook the small things. That's all miracles really are.

Miracles are a retelling, in small letters, of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.
---- C. S. Lewis

I Might Be Slightly Irritated

2011-09-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, so.. it's about time for that first test of the semester to roll around (mine's on Wednesday), and so I've had a fair amount of time to settle into the groove of things.

In doing so, I've found some things that kind of irritate me. They're stupid and petty things. Honestly. So if you don't want to hear about my minor annoyances, I suggest you go find one of my previous posts about happiness and butterflies. I promise, there's plenty of them.

Instead of boring you with the grueling details, I'm just going to make a list of things that bug.

Buckle up.

People who can't park--especially parallel parking. Okay, people, I realize that it's the most dreaded part of the driving exam... but when you're parking on a crowded street, please just pull all the way up to the car in front of you so that someone else can park, too? Please? I passed FOUR potentially great parking spots that were just barely too small because someone didn't leave enough room.
Hoodies and booty shorts. If you're cold, put pants on. The end.
Leaving a swallow or two of milk/water in the fridge. Seriously, just finish it off.
Waking up to find that either that pimple fairy or one of her evil cousins has unleashed mayhem on your forehead.
Unanswered texts--especially questions. Maybe you're annoyed by the fact that people don't call or write anymore. Maybe you feel slighted that someone didn't care enough about you to make a personal phone call. Fine. But I guarantee that if I spent enough effort writing a text, I actually want a response of some sort from you.
Someone singing just a little flat or sharp. I can't really place blame on people here. I'm usually just glad people are singing. What bugs me is when I know that I'm on key (and yeah, I'm cocky enough to believe that I'm the one that's always on) and someone close to me is just off. It messes with my mind.
People who laugh when you're talking... When you're not saying something funny. I get it. I'm hilarious. But really, when I'm talking and you're chuckling to yourself and I didn't just say/do something hilarious, I get super self-conscious SUPER fast.
When my steering wheel jiggles.
When the people driving in front of you drive 10 miles under the speed limit (or I had 15 the other morning) with a double yellow line. Come on.... People usually have someplace to go.

Phew! I'm glad I got those off my chest. Really, I've been feeling very humbled with the many blessings I have. I'm sure you all are thinking that I just listed all my irritations... but that's really about all there is... Life has been really good, and I'm glad I've been able to partake of its goodness lately.

Also... I'm going on a horse ride again soon. Let me just say that I am wicked excited. :)

In other news, I really like my cat. :)

Peace out, yo!

Gratitude

2011-09-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today, I am grateful.

I went to my first Alzheimer's Support Group that I'm helping with as part of my internship.

I don't care what you read about AD or what you've been taught... it's worse. I think I used to dehumanize those with Alzheimer's and think of those in late stages and how they were really just like children or the kids with special needs I helped with.

I was wrong.

Today I had to come to terms with reality. Today I watched as a gentleman struggled with frustration and discouragement at the memories that just wouldn't come. I watched as a lady couldn't remember her siblings. Another couldn't remember how to spell his name.

These people are real, with histories and stories to tell that I love to hear. They remember the bombing of Pearl Harbor. They lived it.

It took a lot of effort for me to not break into tears. I felt guilty as I was filling out my own life history book. I felt bad that I could write the information so quickly, easily recalling events from my childhood. I felt bad that I could use my pen the right way.

We don't ever truly know how blessed we are.

In my institute class today, we talked about how the Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, and the Doctrine and Covenants not only testify that Jesus is the Christ, but that the Bible is also true. Then we talked about the doctrines that were lost in translation with the Bible that we are blessed to have, like the knowledge of a premortal existence. My teacher asked the class, "I know you guys know what we have... but do you actually know what we have??"

It made me think. A lot.

I don't know what we have, but tonight I realized that lack of knowledge... which in and of itself is sometimes knowledge, if you know what I mean. I really don't know what else the world believes. My time at Hill taught me a lot, but it was really just a small glimpse into how things are. Then I start to wonder why I've been privileged enough to have grown up with the things I do. What on earth did I ever do to deserve it?

The answer is kind of funny... Nothing I've done on earth qualifies me for it. It all goes back to the pre-existence. Even then... It makes me wonder.

I wish I knew more... and it makes me sorry for my ingratitude.

I Hope

2011-09-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this little entry last night somewhere else. It was accompanied by a longer preface, if you will, but I think the preface for right now is unnecessary to what I'm trying to convey. Take a look. Then we'll chat again.

--♥--

In institute yesterday, Brother Larsen talked about something Elder Maxwell said. He talked about how trials and hardships are like having a huge pit dug from our soul. They can hurt abominably. But thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ, those pits of sorrow and hurt will be fill with joy so great as was our sorrow. In fact, the deeper the sorrow, the greater the joy.

"A man of sorrow and acquainted with grief..."

I used to think for some reason that even with being perfect and being the Savior, that Christ was kind of a sad person, probably standing alone when all us unworthy creatures are celebrating in the Celestial Kingdom because we made it. I don't know why I did. I guess scriptures like the one before helped me form that opinion, and just the thought of everything He did and how people don't understand it, or worse, minimize it and mock it. And I'm sure this is a very sad, sad thing.

But I realized just now... the atonement has to work for Him, too, right? Obviously He has no need of being forgiven of sin, considering He never sinned and lived a perfect life. But not sinning doesn't make you automatically happy... bad things still happen. Hard things and sad things... And even understanding the gospel doesn't mean you don't feel sad every once in a while. Even at the tomb of Lazarus when Christ knew He would resurrect His dead friend, He wept.

"And oh, what joy and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!"

Because Jesus Christ descended below it all, He must also ascend above it all. And that, my friend, makes me happy. I don't think He will be a distant deity. I think He will be our friend. He will be happy. That thought gives me hope.

I hope, sometime in the eternities, that I have a chance to sit alone with Him for an afternoon. I hope we can sit near a tree on top of a hill overlooking a beautiful valley or scene and watch the clouds go by with silence and the comfort of one another's presence.

I hope I get a chance to tell Him about the things I've been through. I'll realize that He already knows and has been below it all, but He'll also be the best listener and listen just to let me talk. I hope He's quiet during the sad parts, and I hope He laughs during the silly parts. I hope He will understand my inability to express myself and make me feel understood despite it all. I hope I can turn to Him after a pause in the conversation and say, "Thank you."

I hope He turns back to me and looks me in the eyes long enough to share a moment of understanding and smiles.

Then, I hope the Creator and Redeemer of all the world and universes says to me,"You are very welcome."

--♥--

I'm extending a challenge and an invitation.

Take some time today or tomorrow and go sit outside somewhere alone. Sit and watch the clouds go by, listen to the breeze rustling through the leaves on the trees, and feel the grass under your feet (take your shoes off... that's mandatory). Let the sun shine down and warm you. Soak in the Vitamin D.

After a minute or two, I want you to ponder your own quiet moment alone with the Savior when all is said and done. How would you want it to go?

I shared this little bit with you, even though it's kind of an intimate thing for me, because I realized while writing it that I was thinking about where I stand right now and where I want to be. I don't think I've ever imagined an "alone moment" with my Savior. It always seemed like He would be surrounded by throngs of people and angels and that He would be too busy to really have time for a one-on-one.

Boy, how my perspective changed when I wrote this.

Think about it.

Write it down.

You don't have to share it with me. It's something personal.

But I would love to hear about what you would say and do.

Let it change you.

Dear Father

2011-09-07T00:26:00.000-07:00

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

-- C.S. Lewis

Dear Father,

Tonight, I am overwhelmed. One of my very best friends was set apart tonight to go on a mission. I've been dreading it in my mind for some time, but I haven't really thought about it lately, whether or not because I was in denial, or just because I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be. You know me, Father. Usually I get pretty upset.

But with Michelle, I haven't been. I know I will miss her an awful lot, and I'm sure that reality has yet to sink in completely. But Father, thank you for the peace that has come from a knowledge that she and I will be friends, no matter how far away she might be, and no matter how long she'll be gone. Thank you for helping me through our friendship that was full of bumps and moments of weakness (mostly on my part). Those bumps and trials made us stronger and sent us through a refiner's fire.

Thank you, Father, for showing me alternatives. Thank you for helping me realize that there is more to this life than just my silly plans for it. Thank you for allowing me to be hurt enough to appreciate what I have and to see what goodness there is out there. Thank you for helping me see a golden lining.

Thank you, Father, for helping me to have what I want. Even if it takes a while. Even though it's on your time and not on mine. Thank you for making me wait and doing it the way you know is best. I'm in awe of how things work out. Even when I feel they are impossible, it still works out. You teach me hard lessons, but you make them work out.

God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't... He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.

-- C.S. Lewis

Thank you, dear Father, for loving me enough to change me. Thank you for tearing down my weaknesses and helping me to be stronger. Thank you for putting up with me when I whine and complain that things are hurting, that I don't feel like I can go on. Thank you for loving me enough not to stop.

The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed – might grow tired of his vile sport – might have a temporary fit of mercy as alcoholics have fits of sobriety, But suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless.

-- C.S. Lewis

Dear Boys

2011-09-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

I was blog-stalking my friend, Michelle, and she recently wrote a post about something another blogger does called "Dear Boys" (you can check out Michelle's here). Basically, it's just a way to write notes to the boys in one's life. Tonight, I have decided to try it.

Dear ADHD,

I miss you. I miss your stunts and freaking out about them.

We should talk more, okay?

Love,

Kaylee

Dear Hunter,

Someday, I hope you'll take life seriously enough to actually ask me out. I think we would have a heck of a good time.

Love,

Kaylee

P.S. You should stop chasing that type; you're better than that.

Dear Ranger,

The fact that you are 87 and fictional doesn't bother me.

Just sayin'.

Love,

Kaylee

Dear Kidney,

Crazy how things have come to this, eh? Maybe we were never as close as we claimed to be. Maybe we should have seen this coming from the start.

Nevertheless, you will always have a very special place in my heart.

Love,

Kaylee

Dear BMX,

I think you're purty smart when it comes to life. I look up to you a lot and am therefore really self-concious when it comes to letting you see me for who I am.

Thanks for always being patient.

Love,

Kaylee

Dear Taken,

I get it. You're taken. But she's gone. For a long time. I think you should ask me out.

Or at least want to. :)

You remind me of what I enjoy about life, and I think that's something to be appreciated.

Love,

Kaylee

Dear Newbie,

You crack me up. I still don't know what to think about you half the time, but I'm glad we can bond. :)

Love,

Kaylee

Dear Comedic Relief,

I think it's uber lame when you're moody, and I miss having our conversations of craziness.

You're one of my best friends.

Love,

Kaylee

Dear High School,

I miss our long talks and deep understanding.

Seriously, grills smell like summer.

Love,

Kaylee

Dear FBI Guy,

You are delightful.

End of story.

Love,

Kaylee

Dear Boy,

If you're wondering if I want you to....

.... I want you to.

Love,

Kaylee

An Unlikely Feeling

2011-08-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

Today I had the opportunity to talk with my dear friend, Elise. I was telling her why no knee caps needed to be busted (long story) and how this week, I've been able to get in touch with a part of myself I haven't contacted in many, many years.

You see, since starting college, I've told myself that I need to be lady-like (hahaha!) and work on attracting someone of the opposite gender to get hitched to for time and all eternity... etc., etc. Because of that, my girliness has been a little more a part of me than my tomboy childhood would like.

This week, however, I've been able to relax those girly ways.

And boy, has it been needed!

Some of you might not know this about me... but...

I love guns.

A lot.

I was able to go up with some friends and go shooting. Pretty much the best thing ever. Great therapy.

I also got to go adventuring! I have always, always loved exploring, especially caves! When I learned that there was a mine/cave RIGHT above my little town (and I've grown up not knowing about this!) I immediately wanted to do it. I wrangled together a little group and we went exploring!

This is me with Mike, our fearless leader. :) Does he kind of look like one of those pioneer dudes in this picture?

Some more people as we're exploring one of the shafts.

This is where I hope my mom stops reading, haha. We had to army crawl through the entrance... a little scary, but totally fun!

After our cave exploration, we drove to a nice look out spot and watched a lightning storm over the valley. Kind of epic. :)

The next evening, a little group of us on and impromptu urge decided to have a bonfire. We had just been volunteering (which you'll hear about later) and so we just... had a bonfire! But not only that, we drove to my friend's land up one of my FAVORITE canyons where my uncle has a ranch. We drove to the top of a hill (mountain...) where you can see the WHOLE valley, started a fire, and just chilled. :) They all found out I was afraid of mountain lions, so they had a little fun with me, but it was a great part of the adventure. :) Being able to stargaze and have some deep conversations (and stupid ones, too, hahaha) was really great. :)

I also volunteered! A family where I live lost a son in the war a while back, and ever since, they've been running a Ride for the Fallen event. I think they do these elsewhere, too, but this one is in our community. Basically, all these motorcycles get together and register to ride in a huge bike ride (we're talking 340 bikers, people) to honor and remember those soldiers who have given their lives for us. All the proceeds go towards a scholarship fund set up in honor of their son. Pretty special experience.

I think this year it meant just a little more to me. After being on a military base all summer, you start to appreciate the sacrifices of not only those who serve, but of their families. I might have gotten a little emotional over the whole thing...

After volunteering Friday and Saturday for the Ride for the Fallen, my friends and I took another ride! I somehow sweet-talked my way into getting someone in my ward to take us horseback riding. I haven't been on a horse in SO long! (My summer adventure with Magic the Dying Ranch Pony does NOT count...) It was such a good night (even though my knee almost fell off from pain and I almost killed the horse by getting caught in barbed wire in the dark...).

So basically, this week has been THE BEST week to end a summer with. My summer at the Youth Center and this week have just made this a fantastic summer that I'll always remember. School is even looking like it's going to be fun! I got a position as an Undergraduate Teaching Fellow, which I'm SUPER excited about! It's with my favorite professor, so... things are looking good!

Well folks, that's all I have for tonight. Until we meet again...

"Happy trails to you!"

The Forbidden Forest

2011-08-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

I realize I've been writing in here a lot lately, so I apologize for the blogging overload.

But guys... I've been bored.

At the start of this summer, I thought working 40 hour weeks with rowdy kids would be the death of me. Little did I know, that's exactly what would make life more lively.

I miss it. So much.

That being said, cleaning your room for a few days straight is kind of obnoxious. But despite the lameness of all that, it's actually been really, really good for me to do.

My friend, Michelle, and I have been kind of joking that I've got RM Syndrome, or in other words, I'm going through mini episodes of what returned missionaries go through after being gone for two years. I feel like I'm not busy enough, that I should be planning or checking on someone or what have you. I fell into a slump of missing the people I was around all summer and wishing I could go back, while in the same breath, never wanting to leave home again.

Today I realized, I need a companion! I guess all summer, I always had someone with me, so being home alone has really... gotten to me. Michelle has been over a lot just sitting with me while I do stuff. Totally appreciated! Today, however, she's off on her own adventures, so... here I sit, procrastinating all the stuff I need to do because I don't want to move.

Anyway, this is totally not what I was going to blog about, because I'm sure some of you are saying, "Forbidden Forest? Is this girl crazy?"

In short, yes I am. But that's a whole other blog post.

In my process of cleaning my room, I've actually been going through and de-junking the place. In other words, I've been taking things that I've held onto for years and years and years, and I'm throwing them away. I have whittled down my "keepsakes and mementoes" from 3+ large boxes, to one boot box.

Yes, one box.

And this one box fits quite nicely under my bed.

Speaking of under my bed, here's where the Forbidden Forest comes in.

What big, hairy, 8-legged thing lives in the Forbidden Forest of Hogwarts?

If you said Aragog the Spider, you'd be correct.

Some of you may have heard my horrifying tells of finding hobo spiders in my room... or in my bed... or, my personal favorite, in my pants (another delightful blog post, I'm sure). There have been many times when I sleep upstairs on my couch for many weeks because of horrifying incidents with these nasty little arachnids (and for the record, they're kind of big).

But after living in a basement bedroom for a while, I'm slowly getting used to them showing up dead in some obscure corner of my room.

Or, under my bed.

So as I was clearing out all my junk, I decided to move my bed and get rid of everything under there. No surprise, I found 3 or 4 dead spiders, mostly consisting of the hobo variety. But, my friends, as I carefully moved my belongings, I found the grand daddy of all spiders. This sucker was HUGE... and he'd built a freaking web home right in the corner!

I realized then and there, I had found Aragog, Hagrid's little friend, and all these spiders I'd found over the years were his posterity.

Like my ginger friend, Ron, I nearly fainted, yelling, "Why couldn't he have said, 'Follow the butterflies?!' "

Despite the cute little hand-sewn mantra that hangs somewhere in my house saying, "Don't worry spiders: I keep house casually," my vacuuming and cleaning skills amplified ten times in that moment.

So if you're ever wondering where the Forbidden Forest lies, search no more. It's under my bed. And since my mom always tells me that evil spirits like dirty rooms, I'm sure the Dark Lord's under there as well.

An Apostle of the Lord

2011-08-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, these past few weeks have been a time of great transition for me. When I started my internship at Hill AFB, the hardest transition was the physical one: being away from home, family, and friends, as well as trying to get to know my way around a city and base that I never thought I'd be apart of.

These past few weeks, however, have been a time of emotional transition. Coming back home and living with my family again, trying to figure out where I fit in my friendship circle or with my ward, adjusting to a completely new social situation that I've never had to deal with before, trying to decide what I want to do with my life as far as school, work and career (yes, those two are different: long-term v. short-term), spiritually, socially, etc... Needless to say, I've been a little weighed down.

Saturday was an emotional pinnacle for me, if you will. I finished moving all of my stuff from the apartment that morning, was freaking out about grad school applications, trying to figure out what I needed to do for THIS semester of school, tackling different social obstacles, and on top of all that, I was trying to clean out my room and "de-junk" it. For the record, that is ridiculously hard for me to do. And not only was I simply de-junking, but I was de-momento-ing, AKA getting rid of little things that have meant something to me that I wanted to keep, like pictures or tickets from meaningful events. That can be kind of hard!

Saturday evening rolled around and I got to do something that was so incredibly amazing. My friend and I went to the tabernacle here in town and were blessed enough to attend a devotional given by Elder David A. Bednar, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (just as when Christ was on the earth in ancient times, there are twelve apostles on the earth today who receive revelation from God for the whole earth to guide, help, and warn us. For more information, go here!). Before I go into the devotional, I'll just mention also that we did a bonfire afterwards which was pretty fun, but back to the good stuff... :)

At this devotional, Elder Bednar opened the evening up to questions. We were able to stand and ask questions or text them to a number that showed up on his iPad thing (just as Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, we love technology, haha). Can I tell you that this was one of the most amazing experiences I've had? We were lucky enough to be sitting on the side balcony that was RIGHT by Elder Bednar, so I could see everything so clearly and well... every expression. He even looked at our group multiple times. And I'm pretty sure he looked me in the eye for like... 3 seconds. Besides that, though, the evening was full of answers.

A sister from Japan spoke for a few minutes before Elder Bednar and she shared a story about being worried about her future, but then said, "Don't worry about your future." As long as we are doing what the Lord asks us to do, we have no need to fear the future. That was really comforting to me.

Elder Bednar talked about how far too often we become objects to be acted upon instead of agents to act for ourselves. He then quoted D&C 58:28, which reads:

"For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward."

Now, I took like, 6 pages of notes (yeah, it was THAT good), so instead of recapping everything, I'm just going to give you a list of my favorite quotes/principles that I learned. Ready?

Find someone with whom you can get better
"You don't find a happy marriage; you create it."
"It is not enough to stand before the Savior cleansed from sin. We must become a new creature."
CHALLENGE: Get a brand new copy of the Book of Mormon and highlight every time it mentions "in the strength of the Lord" or "the Lord strengthened us."
Watch/listen for small packets of truth, not huge, all-at-once moments
"Frankly forgive" --- 1 Nephi 7:20-21
We are given agency so that we may choose God
We are not free agents - When we enter into the waters of baptism, we become HIS agents, and therefore we are pledging to do whatever it is He would have us do
CHALLENGE: Study "covenant breakers"
"Don't sell your birthright for a bowl of bean soup," referring to the law of chastity
If you want to see ultimate misery, break the law of chastity
"God's not going to do for your what you were sent to do."
Why do returned missionaries fall away? --- They have testimonies but are not converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Alma 23:5-13 -- You need BOTH
Law of Consecration: developed to and devoted to a Holy purpose -- More members of the church are willing to die for their beliefs than they are willing to live them
"The keys don't go anywhere by coincidence."
"Without the character of Christ, there would've been no atonement." --Elder Neal A. Maxwell. What is the character of Christ? In His greatest moment of anguish, He heals the guard's ear.
The character of Christ turns OUTWARD, not IN on oneself
The ultimate happiness comes from surrendering all our agency to Christ

I have so much to learn.

Sunday during Relief Society, the president talked about how the lesson had fallen through that morning so she was teaching from what she had been thinking about that morning. The first thing she said was quoting D&C 18:10 (which I volunteered to read before I knew what it was...). It says, "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." Then she quoted from the Joseph Smith movie where Joseph stands after hearing all the awful things his captors were saying and tells them to be silent or he or they would die that instant. He says the same scripture, but he quotes it a little differently saying, "Remember the worth of every soul is great in the sight of God."

I hadn't told anyone, and I only told Nicole after, but I had texted a question to Elder Bednar the night before asking, "What would our Savior have us know about the worth of souls?" I felt kind of stupid for asking it... I knew the scripture. I've heard, "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God," a hundred or more times. But I still needed to know. My question hadn't been directly answered during the devotional (though indirectly it was answered a hundred different ways), but Heavenly Father cared enough about me to send me my answer anyway.

I think it came from hearing the Joseph Smith line. Every soul is great in the sight of God. My soul is great, my best friend's soul, my parents, my neighbor, those kids I worked with, that guy that wont leave me alone, those people who hurt my friend... Every soul.

I am grateful that an apostle of God came to speak to us. I know that meeting helped hundreds of people, but it might as well have been just for me. Everything he said felt personal and like it was directly meant for me. I know that's because God was whispering to me through His Holy Spirit the answers to questions prayed for and the ones I didn't know how to ask.

I'm not worried about things anymore. I have confidence that they're going to work out. I'm not afraid of the future. I know it's another adventure I need to work through, and I will do my best to do it as well as I can. I'm setting new goals and going to create plans to work towards them. I'm determined to look outward instead of in (that's going to be a hard one for me... so patience, right?), and to throw myself in completely to my new calling (I haven't gotten one yet, but I know it's in the works, and I'm pretty sure I know what it is...).

The Gospel of Jesus Christ.... The Good News of Jesus Christ... The Truth of Jesus Christ...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

P.S. If you have any additional insights you'd like to share, or for those of you who were at the devotional have more thoughts about Elder Bednar and the evening, please share! What touched you? I love comments, and I love hearing what people have to say.

Inspired

2011-08-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

Today I'm turning things over to you guys.

I want to know who and/or what inspires you.

I'll even go first. :)

First, the "what".

I am inspired by being outside.

This is a picture my roommate took of my happy spot outside our apartment. There was a time this summer where I started losing my mind. I felt so cramped and trapped, and I think this is the one time where I wanted to quit everything and just go home. This little spot saved me. I sat under this tree and chilled a couple of evenings and felt like I could handle the world again. I have come to learn that being outside helps me keep my life in perspective and I feel more real.

More nature... just different. :) As is mentioned in my last post, I loved to sit in my hammock. I can think here and, more importantly, I can not think here.

Next, the "who".

My friends.

I have some of the best friends in the whole wide world. I only put up one picture of friends, and it only has a few of them, but there are countless more that I have come to love and appreciate so very much. I'm going to tell you why I love them.

I have friends that are willing to serve and share what they know is true with the world. If that means they go to the ends of the earth, they do it. Even cooler to me, they do it everywhere they go. My friends are shining examples. They truly practice what they preach, something that inspires me every day.

My friends are adventurous.

I am the biggest whimp in the entire world. I'll go on the scary rides (some of them...) and I like rattlesnakes... but that's nothing in the grand scheme of things. I have friends that introduce themselves with a friendly smile and are friendly to everyone, something that leaves me shaking in my boots. They are willing to try new things and aren't afraid of looking stupid, whether it's cake decorating or slack-lining, moving to China, or whatever. They get out there and do it.

I'm going to throw in my friends at the Youth Center. :) Even though they were my "clients" haha, they feel like my friends. I've gotten to know them over the past few months and feel like they're my family. These kids inspired me to be a better person every time I went to work. They still inspire me. They are some of the strongest kids I've met, and I love them with all my little heart. I wish I would've been friends with them when I was in high school. :)

What a blessing. :)

Finally, I'd be pretty ungrateful if I didn't mention Jesus Christ. I don't really have the words to express how I have been inspired by His teachings and His love for me personally. He has stood by me and gently pushed me onward when I didn't want to go on anymore. He has reached out His hand to me on countless times when I feel like I'm drowning and pulled me from the waves.

Finally, He has come to me when I have been in my darkest hour. When I think of the stupid things I've done and the ways I've rebelled, I cringe. I hate it. But thanks to His atoning sacrifice, I don't feel those pains anymore. It feels like a distant memory of an old life. It's one of those things that time doesn't fix... It's divine intervention and a tender mercy.

I have a tendency of taking life and thinking about it like, "What if I hadn't grown up hearing the things I know?" It's like... what if I had lived a completely different life and someone told me what I'm saying right now? To be honest, I'd be like, "Uh... okay, you wacko." It's unbelievable. But it's one of those things that has to be felt, and then you're like, "Oh... well, of course!" That's how it was for me. :)

Anyway, now it's YOUR TURN. I expect comments here, people! I want to hear all about who and/or what inspires you. Who helps you to be better and reach for the stars? Who makes you feel at peace? What helps you to keep going when things get tough?

Hammocks and Hope

2011-08-16T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was in a pretty mopey mood. This weekend, I haven't left my room longer than to go to church or a church function. The furthest I moved Saturday was from my bed upstairs to my parents'. Yesterday I made some progress though and moved from my bed to the hammock outside. I painted my nails and tried to be "productive" in some way or another.

Really, I was just trying to get away from people watching me and the feeling that I was pathetic for sitting in bed all day.

I was feeling that overwhelmed and kind of helpless feeling you can get when everything around you is changing, like there's nothing you can really do to stop the world from turning.

And really, there's not.

But I started realize something as I was laying there, swinging and watching an inchworm move along the branch just above my head and the clouds float lazily by above. There's a huge difference in how you can look at the world turning. You can fear the darkness when the world turns away from the sun and to the unknown, or you can embrace the light that comes early in the morning and how the known illuminates everything with a warm glow.

I tend to be a "fear the darkness" person. If I can't see the ending, I don't usually like it. At all. There's a few things going on right now that I really can't see the ending. It's like the world is turning and there's a lot of shadow. That scares me.

This summer I've been able to have eye-opening experiences about how dark the shadows of this world really are. It made me realize how little my problems were. And though at times horrifying to me, what I saw was nothing compared to how it really is. A few people have told me that it seems I'm finally getting to the stage where the injustices of the world are upsetting to me and that I'll learn to get a thicker skin. But no matter what happened, that thicker skin never came. Granted, it's been only a summer, but... I still cried when I saw what people have had to go through.

Even my own insignificant problems feel overwhelming a lot of the time. It is really easy to be swallowed up in shadow.

The thing I keep forgetting is that no matter what the dark might feel like, the sun always rises in the morning. Things have a way of righting themselves. What once was lost will be found. Prince Charming slays the dragon and kisses the princess. The princess' magical, loving tear brings the prince back from certain death.

You might be reading this and saying, "Yeah, but what about those princes who were slain by the dragons? And what about that princess whose fairy godmother never showed up?"

But my friends, that's just it. The story isn't over. The world hasn't finished turning. There's still light to come. We get back our loved ones. We break free from the chains that hold us down. We get our "happily ever after."

Peoples of the blogging world (and beyond), don't ever lose that hope in a better tomorrow. Don't ever be the person who walks by someone's tragedy and does nothing to help. "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Never underestimate the effects you may have one someone. I fell out of that same hammock from the joy I got from getting a message from a dear friend who probably has no idea how much I look to them. I have had deep insights on what I believe from someone who was recently converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ. He's been baptized for a whole three days and he's already taught me things I haven't been able to figure out in my (almost) 23 years. I've learned valuable truths from a 16 year old boy about what I'm doing with my life, when I was supposed to be the one helping him! Keep your heart open. Keep moving on, and have faith that the light will come.

All the darkness in the world is not enough to put out the light of one small candle.

Saying Goodbye and Hello Again

2011-08-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

What a weekend. The above picture is my new favorite picture of myself from this weekend. A little vanity moment here, but... deal with it.

This Friday was my last day at the Youth Center. Oh my lanta, it was probably one of the saddest days! It was such a good day, though. I couldn't have asked for a better going away day. None of the supervisors really did much (Cherokee wasn't even there which made me sad, Drew just said, "Thanks for the internship," and left, and Whitney... Well, Whitney was actually really nice, but that's another story), and I was basically left on my own all day. But you know what? I'm kind of glad. I just got some one-on-one time with my kids, and... That was fine with me.

I also had a funny moment when I was driving to work. I pulled onto base and the song "If Today Was Your Last Day" by Nickelback came on. I started laughing... Oh, the irony. I got to take lots of pictures with the kids which was really great. Another funny (I'm using this word lightly) moment was when I had pretty much said goodbye to all the kids and I was about to cry... I got in my car and the song "One More Day" by Diamond Rio came on. Haha, then there were tears. I was already crying, thanks to some of the kids pulling up when I was starting to cry, haha. I was going to sit on my car and watch the moon and let out some tears when a car pulled up and people started talking about how things were when I started my internship, haha. It was a moment. I loved everything about this summer there.

This is the picture I'm using for the frame thingy I had all the kids sign. It's got a lot of my favorite moments from this summer in it. Pretty freaking excited about it.

In other news...

Elder Josh Wood came home this week. He's been serving faithfully in the Michigan Lansing mission. He did a phenomenal job on his talk and had me in tears half the time. It's been incredible to see how much he's grown and matured. The musical numbers were really fantastic, too. They sang two of my favorite songs: "I Love The Lord" and "Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy."

After the meeting was over, we went over to Josh's house and had waffles and ice cream. It was quite tasty. :) I got to talk with his little cousin that's adopted from China. She is ADORABLE. I remember watching videos of her with Josh when her family was in the process of adopting her. It was neat to talk with her and kind of have that moment.

Talking with Josh again was super surreal. I didn't even know what to think! But it was really great to see him again.

I've just been sitting in my room since I got home and thinking, trying to process my weekend. I'm going to be moving home in the next couple of days. Changes come so fast. I just wish I could go back to the Youth Center tomorrow morning again and have my kids tackle me to the ground, call me mean, and throw basketballs and footballs at my face. Apparently, this means they like you.

But it's time to move on with life. Time to press forward.

P.S. Coldplay music is kind of amazing. "Warning Sign," "See You Soon," "Fix You," etc, etc....

Nervous

2011-08-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

Nervous, nervous, nervous....

Yeah, a little.

Yesterday was my last day at the YC. I'll upload some of my favorite pictures later. It was the best last day I could possibly hope for.

I cried after. A lot, haha.

Oh my, I will miss my kids.

On Abuse

2011-08-09T19:47:00.001-07:00

Today at work, one of the MFLC (Marriage and Family Life Consultant... basically a psychologist) approached me and said she had left a book for me at the computer where I usually work. She had seen me try to confront and deal with a child abuse situation at work and knew that I had really struggled with it. She had offered this book as something to help me.

Though her efforts were appreciated, I don't know that the book actually helped me. In fact, the first chapter just made it worse.

The book she gave me was A Child Called "It", the story of Dave Pelzer. He was one of the worst child abuse cases in California. The book talks about how his mother dehumanized him in nearly every imaginable way.

The first chapter is about when Dave shows up to school and the adults there finally decide to do something about the bruises they see and the horrible things they suspected. As I read that first chapter, not fully understanding what this boy had to go through, all I could do was replace the unknown with things I did know. I kept seeing someone that I knew had been abused, and my heart ached.

I don't necessarily know what the MFLC was trying to do by giving me this book, and I don't even know what I've taken from it (yes, I have finished the whole thing already). I do know that this is something I feel passionate about. I don't know that I could work in abuse centers where children are abused... I'd want to take each and every one of them home with me. I already have that tendency right now... and it seems like it sometimes gets me in trouble.

"Kaylee would make a great mentor if she could set better boundaries."

You're right, I know that. But I don't want to be a mentor anymore. I don't even care if anyone looks up to me anymore. My review has kind of stripped me of my confidence in a few ways. I'm too sensitive, though. I mean, I got an "Outstanding Accomplishment" on everything there was to review. Everything but getting over-involved with clients (and there I got "Better than average accomplishment").

But ... shouldn't we be involved? I'm sure I'm over reacting to pretty much everything, but ... Isn't it our responsibility as caring adults to get involved? Isn't it our duty to make sure that children are safe? And shouldn't we go beyond the norm and make sure that every child has someone to talk to, who they can trust? Someone that would do anything for them?

I mean... shouldn't we all be parents?

I get it, I really do. It doesn't work without boundaries, and it doesn't work without setting limits. Those things are necessary.

And they're things I don't know how to do.

I don't think I've ever been more grateful for my family than I am now that I've moved out. I guess if I've learned anything, it's that my parents are there for me. Sure, we didn't get along in my rebellious youth, and there are things that I'm sure both parties regret.... But I know now that my family loved and loves me deeply, and that my parents are willing to go to the ends of the earth for me. I feel so utterly spoiled just to have always had a place to sleep, knowing that my parents cared if I was home or not. If anything would have ever happened to me, they would've taken care of it, no matter how mad they were at me.

Seeing how many families are torn and in tatters breaks my heart. I don't understand how it happens. I guess my priorities are so strongly my future family (and more and more my present one... despite how backwards that may sound) that it seems impossible to me that you'd let your family fall apart and your children/spouse suffer.

Even more, I don't know how adults can see children that are suffering, that have suspicious behaviors and marks, and NOT DO ANYTHING. Seriously, your job is to protect children and help them to grow... how do you ignore stuff like that??? Even at my job, far before I had even the slightest inkling of what had happened, I saw the signs of something not right... and I made up my mind to do something about it.

My 22-yr-old, naive self is apparently having trouble coping with the whole ordeal. It upsets me.

It should be upsetting.

"The world is a dangerous place to live, not just because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
--- Albert Einstein

"Be at peace with where and what you are."

2011-08-07T23:03:00.001-07:00

Tonight I feel utterly content.

Things aren't perfect.

My life will be changing in one way or another this week. It's the end of my internship. I'm moving home. It's "that time."

Josh gets back.

It's like the week I never thought would come.

I feel so utterly at peace with the world.

More importantly, I feel at peace with myself.

I went into my internship thinking it wasn't going to really do anything for me. It was a way to escape from home and make some decent money (though granted, I'm making almost double what I thought I'd make... so even the money wasn't a huge part at first). I'd be a glorified camp counselor.

And I am.

But I have learned so much about life. I have seen some ugly things, and I've cried more than I'd care to admit. There has probably been only one or two days when I've thought, "Ugh... I just don't want to go to work tomorrow." And usually that's when I just don't want to wake up early (I like sleeping, so what?).

How many people can say that about their job??

There's a quote I love that goes something like this: "How lucky I am to have known someone it was so hard to say goodbye to."

I thought of that a lot when Josh first left. It seems to be popping up a lot in my head now. I've never felt this much love for kids that might not even like me that much, haha. Some do, sure (yes, Sheldon, I'm mentioning you ;) haha), but it's like... that doesn't even matter to me anymore. I've had an opportunity to feel a love greater than my own self.

A few weeks ago I was struggling with myself. I was feeling like I'd slipped a lot and that I wasn't as strong as I'd worked so hard to become these past few years. I was discouraged, and I was frustrated.

I still know I have things to improve, but I'm not frustrated anymore. I don't feel discouraged. I feel at peace with where I am and what I am.

I still have much I need to change. I still slip up and do things I regret, and I'm sure I always will. I need to work harder to feel the Spirit and to keep in tune with what I know is right.

But I know I can do it. :) I feel strength again.

I'm grateful for God and His tender mercies. I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who has stood by me through my weakest and darkest times. He is my advocate, my hero, and my number one fan (though my dad would argue otherwise). I know that He loves me. I know that He loves these kids that I've grown to love so much as well. I feel it every day. Every time I have a deep talk with someone there, I am overwhelmed by it. It's one of those things I know isn't from me. As much as I love them, it's different. It's more real and more pure.

I know that because of Christ, we can be forgiven of our pasts, and not only that, but we can make something of our futures. We can change. We can become more than we ever imagined we could be. I've seen miracles this summer.

I know God puts us in different places for a reason. I know I was sent to the YC and Hill AFB for specific reasons. I know some of those reasons, and there are some, I'm sure, that I don't. But I know that this is where I was meant to spend my summer. I was meant to meet the people I have, and I was meant to do what's been done. I know it, and I can't deny it.

I'd apologize for rambling, but... my heart is full! I'm sure many of you will disregard what I'm saying. I'm sure I'll be chalked up as just another religious fanatic. I'm getting used to the funny looks when I say I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, blah blah blah. I'm getting used to the funny change that comes into people's eyes and the way they talk to me when they find out I'm Mormon. I'm starting to see how easily people chalk up my religion to be a mental handicap.

I get it.

But you're wrong.

I have been raised with values and high standards. I have come to know that there is a Power greater than myself or any other force. I have come to know that this life has purpose and meaning. It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from... Your life has value. It doesn't matter what you've done or where you've been. Don't be fooled by the world into thinking that this is it, that what we do doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. The choices you make now have implications that ripple throughout time. It matters. You matter.

I don't know if anyone reads this. No one ever comments, haha, so who knows. But I hope someone does. I hope someone can read this and know that what I say is true. Would I lie to you? :)

I'm going to close with one of my favorite quotes:

"Miracles are a retelling, in small letters, of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see."
--C.S. Lewis

Best Weekend

2011-08-07T00:16:00.000-07:00

This has definitely been one of my favorite weekends as an intern.

First, I got to check off something on my Bucket List: I stood up a guy on a date. Don't hate me, and don't judge. He wanted to take me to a bar and I think he wanted to get lucky, so... instead I went to the Hill AFB Family Campout! I went to help volunteer with the Keystone kids. Madi came out with me too and we had a delightful time being tackled into the Splash Pad and whatnot.

Okay, seriously, I've probably said it about a thousand times, but I LOVE my kids! Especially my teen boys (pictured above). I am going to miss them SO much. There were more of my kids there, and it was sooo much fun to just be able to play and mess around with them instead of worrying about all the rules and everything. We had an absolute BLAST.

THEN... This morning, Madi and I cleaned the apartment (and I had cereal for breakfast... score!). Afterwards, we went swimming at the landlord's pool for a few hours. We're both red like lobsters, but it was worth it, and I'm loving what a sunburn feels like. First one of the summer (first real one anyway).

After swimming and showering and whatnot, Madi left for a family thing and I watched The Sixth Sense by myself whilst eating Mac and Cheese and other delectable treats.

Even better than that... My dear, dear friend Elise texted me and said she was in Roy, and I jumped on that opportunity to have her come over. She just left, and I already miss her! She's been in Europe for like... EVER, so this was so great and therapeutic. Soul sisters. :)

Sigh. :) I am so content with life right now.

Forgetting Faith

2011-08-05T11:08:00.001-07:00

Last night I was presented with a moral dilemma of sorts.

One of the kids at the youth center sent me a message saying that he was stranded without a way home because his friend's car broke down.

This was at 9:50 pm. Outside I heard thunder and rain/hail falling.

My compassionate side (or my sucker side... whichever) was practically jumping and running to go see what I could do (as if I know how to fix a car). But I thought, if anything, I should make sure they get home safely, right?

But I also know that I'm not supposed to give kids rides home. I would've taken my beautiful roommate with me, and there would have been one of the volunteers from the camping trip as well... So I figured number wise I was safe, but... I told the director I would never do it again.

Safety... Keeping Promises... Safety... Keeping Promises....

In desperation, I turned to my roommate and asked her what she would do. She said she'd go with me if I wanted her to, but then she said... "Why don't you go pray?"

Well, duh.

So I sheepishly went to my room, shut the door, and started praying. What should I do? Should I call my boss and tell her the situation? She would just tell me to leave it alone... Should I go give him a ride home so he wouldn't walk the 10 miles back in the dark along the freeway in a storm? Should I just go see if I could do anything with the car? Call a cab?

My mind was racing, and I really couldn't figure out an answer. But I ended my prayer and went out, preparing to go help, whatever the consequences might be. I figured I could at least go see if I could help fix the car... then we could go from there. And that way I could at least make sure everyone was safe.

Just as I was finishing putting my shoes and jacket on, he sent me a text saying that the car was being towed and that he was safe and on his way home because another friend's mom had come to help.

Best of both worlds much?? The kid was safe and I didn't have to back out on a promise.

So often I think I forget how much prayer actually works. My wonderful roommate, Madi, has this pure and simple faith that if you pray, it's going to be answered. Whilst I was stewing over what to do, she was thinking, "Um... just pray, silly."

(P.S. If you want to read more of her delightful insights on life, you should go here. She always has such an amazing way of making her point and sharing her sweet spirit)

On the other hand, I also forget that God is ALL powerful. I was presenting Him with two options: Should I break my promise, or should I let the kid walk home and hope he's alright?

Of course God's answer is, "You keep your word, and I will make sure he is safe."

How grateful I am for a God that not only hears my pathetic attempts at communication but also goes above and beyond the solutions that I see and makes things work for the best.

I opened my scriptures and found...

2011-08-04T06:42:00.000-07:00

"For I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me." -Acts 27:25

I Need a Doctor

2011-07-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

As weird as it may be, this describes my life in a way, haha.

Bucket List #2

2011-07-23T01:46:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to a SLC Bee's minor league baseball game. While I was there, I got to cross another thing off my bucket list.

Eat a hotdog at a baseball game.

Bucket List

2011-07-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

Sky Diving.... CHECK!

I went to iFly tonight with my roommate and her sister. I guess it's not real sky diving, but... it's close enough for now. :) i-Flew!

The Great Story

2011-07-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

"And for us, this is the end of all the stories. And we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them, it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world, and all their adventures in Narnia, had only been the cover and the title page. Now, at last, they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read, which goes on forever. In which every chapter is better than the one before."

Since I moved to O-Town, I've been listening to the audiobooks of the Chronicles of Narnia on my way to and from work. It's been nice to have something to entertain me on the 15-20 minute drive. Not only that, however, but it's been a deeply profound and spiritual experience as well.

While the series is a chronology (big word bonus points, haha) of adventures to and from the land of Narnia, there are little bits of gospel truth scattered throughout (more like blatantly obvious) that just hit me. C.S. Lewis has a beautiful, eloquent way of stating the "obvious" in a way that helps you rediscover things you already might have known, but on a deeper level, and I love that about these books.

Saturday morning as I was curling my hair and just lounging about my room, I was listening to the last chapter of The Last Battle, where it seems that Narnia is over and no more, but then the group realize that True Narnia is really where they are right now, but bigger and more real. It's mentioned that the wonderful things in the old Narnia were loved so dearly because they reminded the children and people of the things they loved in the True Narnia.

As I look around my world and think of the things I love, I think I love them because they seem so familiar to me, like they remind me of something more. It's kind of like having amnesia but knowing that whatever you forgot is pretty freaking incredible. That being said, it's pretty frustrating at times, too! But I think when we get to Heaven and to whatever kingdom, we'll look around and think, "Hey, this is familiar..." and then it will hit us. It will be our True Home, and it will be everything good in this world, just greater and more real.

The other part of the book that really struck home was the very last part. I quoted it at the beginning, but I'll quote part again here:

"All their life in this world, and all their adventures in Narnia, had only been the cover and the title page. Now, at last, they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read, which goes on forever. In which every chapter is better than the one before."

Lately I've been feeling a little stagnant, and I couldn't figure out what was making me feel that way. I realized it's because I'm not really progressing in leaps and bounds. I know I am in little ways, and that I am changing, but it's not like what I feel like I should be doing. Many of my friends are getting married and having babies, graduating, whatever... and when I'm still just going to school and hardly ever go on dates, it feels a little... discouraging. I wondered why I wasn't just content with staying where I'm at.

Then I realized... it's because as eternal beings, we're not meant to be stagnant. We're meant to always be progressing and changing, to be aspiring for something higher and better. The older I get, the more time seems to simply race by. The more this happens, the more I realize that there's no way that this life can be the end. There has to be something more, because my spirit or body (or both) is realizing that this life is nothing. It's just the title page of a greater and grander adventure, of the Great Story.

So, my thought for today is to share that I know there is more to existence than this life alone. As daunting as the future (and the present) seems at times, it is just a small part of a grand existence. I'm truly looking forward to eternal progression, a period of change and growth. I know that Jesus Christ suffered and died for me that I might progress and reach my fullest potential, even if so often, I forget what's in the script.

For more information go here.

A Shot (or Four)

2011-07-06T19:42:00.000-07:00

Here's a shot into my life as of late (pun intended):

My roommate sometimes plays with my hair. I kind of love it when she does.

I learned to golf at work. :) This is golf camp with the kids. Don't worry; despite the goofy looking plastic stuff, we did use real clubs and play real golf. :) The chick in the picture is the golf pro that helped us out all week. She played golf in college and high school, and I found out she's my age! Kind of crazy. I really liked her though. I think I wanna go play golf more often.

Right next to where we were practicing is the runway on base. We saw LOTS of F16s taking off and other planes. Sometimes they'd loop RIGHT above our heads, and boy, where they loud!

I went home for the 4th of July weekend to see my awesome cousin get married (I'm not bitter that he and his cute bride stole my wedding colors). Later, the broski and I went to the car show in the home town and saw this awesome car. AKA: The Bat Mobile. Yep, legit. We also met with an old family friend (my bro's best friend all growing up). That was pretty fun. :)

That day, unfortunately, was also the day that I got SICK. I was sick all through the 4th of July with allergies and a cold. It was a serious double whammy! I ended up going to the instacare and the doctor prescribed me some meds, so that helped some.

(Also while I was in the home town, I went on a date to the fireworks they do here. Pretty fun. This was pre-illness.)

Today, I had to go in to get shots for work. LAME. I hate needles. And even worse, I hate SHOTS. I would almost rather they sucked stuff out of me than put stuff IN me. It might be hard to tell from the angle of the above picture, but that's one of my awesome hot-pink bandaids I got. I had to get a Hepatitis A&B shot (by the way, those hurt RIDONKULOUSLY BAD), a tetanus shot (hurts some, but not as bad as the hep shots), blood drawn for blood work, and a tuberculosis test. While I was there, they also tested my eyes and my hearing. Kinda crazy for a job, eh? But... it's the Air Force. What do you expect? I go in on Friday again to do my physical, so... that should be fun.

Anyway, that's about it in my life. Nothing too exciting, really.

Until next time!

--Kaylee

Moolah!

2011-07-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

I've been cracking up my mom all day today with this phrase:

"With my newly acquired wealth..."

Haha, I'm still a poor college student, but I just got paid today... and it's almost ten times as much as my previous job's pay.

So... for me, it's kind of amazing.

That being said, I went shopping today and spent way too much money.

And I liked it.

Studying the Scriptures

2011-06-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

Hola, y'all.

I'm giving a talk in church tomorrow, and to document this occasion, I thought I'd put it on my blog for y'all to read if you want. Just beware, all you English critics *cough* CRYSTAL *cough* that this is a rough draft, and I've never been good at doing more than one draft, so... this is it in it's raw form.

Here ye go:

Scripture Study

How has studying the scriptures blessed my life?

Scripture Study Techniques

"Scriptures are good, scriptures are great, read them up now before it's too late. Amen"

Why do we study the scriptures?

One reason is because it is a commandment. The Lord and His prophets have asked us to study the scriptures, and in order to obey all of His commandments, we must be seeking and searching to learn what He would have us know in these sacred books.

The title page of the Book of Mormon says:

"To show unto the remnant of the house of Israel what great things the Lord hath done for their fathers; and that they may know the covenants of the Lord, that they are not cast off forever--And also to the convincing of the Jew and Gentile that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God, manifesting himself unto all nations."

1. To show what great things the Lord has done.

There are countless stories in the scriptures about the miracles that the Lord has done to preserve His people, from Moses and the parting of the Red Sea, to Esther and her people, feeding the 5,000, to Lehi and his family, Alma and the four sons of Mosiah, and so on. When we read the scriptures, we can see how the Lord has extended His hand to those in the past, and we can grow to learn that His arms are always extended towards us.

2. They we may know the covenants of the Lord.

Throughout the scriptures, we can learn of the many covenants of the Lord, such as baptism, priesthood ordinances, eternal families, the Abrahamic Covenant (that we are the Lord's people and He is our God), eternal families, and so on.

3. To the convincing of the Jew and Gentile that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God, manifesting himself to all nations.

True to the Faith states, "The principal purpose of scriptures is to testify of Christ, helping us come unto Him and receive eternal life." The scriptures testify of Christ. If you are reading the scriptures and not gaining a testimony of our Savior, then you might want to re-evaluate your study patterns. I'm currently reading the Book of Mormon again, and as I read, I've been highlighting every part where it testifies of Christ. I also did it in the New Testament. He is EVERYWHERE in the scriptures.

4. To find answers.

President Kimball: "You want to talk to God, pray. You want God to talk to you, study your scriptures." The scriptures can also help us in times of confusion. There are many times when I go to the scriptures to find answers. There are many stories and principles to help me make decisions in a world full of conflicting solutions.

2 Nephi 32:3

"Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do."

For me, the biggest reason why I study the scriptures is for the strength I receive when I do. Sometimes I get in the mindset where I don't really care about the stories or all the commandments. I know they're there, and I know I'll follow them if I'm asked to. What I generally need is the strength I get from reading the words of my Savior. When I read and study the scriptures, I have a greater capacity to understand how my Father in Heaven wants me to grow, and I am more aware of my relationship with my Savior.

True to the Faith also states, "Daily, meaningful scripture study helps you be receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. It builds your faith, fortifies you against temptation, and helps you draw near to your Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son." I read the scriptures for the protection they offer against the fiery darts of the adversary and to gain strength from knowing I am a daughter of God.

Scripture Study Techniques:

1. Set a time and a place.

With homework, work, family, friends, and whatever else, it can be hard to find time to study your scriptures. The best way to overcome that is to schedule it! You'll only have time if you MAKE time. A lot of people say to study in the morning, but for me, that never works. I don't know if it's because I'm perpetually late to things or because I love to sleep (probably a combination of the two), but it's really hard in the morning for scripture study to be a priority. I study at night as I'm winding down and getting ready for bed. I know that studying in the morning can really set the mood for the rest of the day, but the important part is just to make sure you have time to do it.

Something else that I've found to be an immense blessing is to have my scriptures on a digital device. I love my quad, but having them on my iPod or whatever has helped me to be able to study them anywhere. If I forget to in the morning or at night, I can easily study on my lunch break at work or in an airport, or wherever!

Make sure you study in a quiet place where you can be more in-tune with the whisperings of the Spirit.

2. Pray.

Before you start reading your scriptures, make sure you say a prayer and ask for the Spirit to be with you that you might learn what your Heavenly Father and Savior would have you learn. Even with the best system in the world, without prayer, you may be missing out on vital revelations from our Heavenly Father.

3. Get a system!

This was definitely the hardest part for me when I started studying with my new set of scriptures. I'm a little obsessive compulsive, so it me it was really important to find the right system from the beginning, though a lot of times they evolve and morph depending on what you need at the time.

The best way to get a system is to find out what is important to you. It takes a little soul searching! Whether you highlight things red, yellow, or all the colors of the rainbow, or write notes in the margin, insert scripture chains, or what-have-you doesn't matter. As long as you are seeking and searching and studying, do what offers the most meaning to you.

Bishop Henrie asked me to talk about techniques that work well for me. I'm a very visual learner, so I love LOTS of color. I bought a huge pack of colored pencils and found something different to highlight for each color. I have a color for gratitude, prayer, love/kindness/charity, warnings (or the "Woes"), another color for every time the Lord talks, etc.

Some of the more important things I've looked for have been commandments, principles, and references to the Lord. Every time I find a commandment, I highlight it. It doesn't matter if it says, "Thou shalt…" or "Thou shalt not…". It can be as simple and profound as the word, "Go." I've also paid special attention to overtime someone says, "Behold." To me, it's just another way of saying, "Listen!"

The most profound thing I've been searching for is whenever the Lord is mentioned, either by name or in a passing reference. It was a real eye opener for me. It's obvious that the scriptures talk about Christ, but when I started to physically highlight it and bring it out, it was astounding how much they testify of our Savior and His atoning sacrifice for us.

4. "Liken the scriptures unto yourself." - 1 Nephi 19:23-24

5. Read as a disciple of Christ

Remind yourself that you are reading the scriptures because that's what the Master wants you to do. Look for whatever it is that He wants you to know right now.

6. Ask Questions

7. Talk with people about what you're reading.

Matt. 18:20 -- "Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

8. Don't just read the Book of Mormon or just the Bible.

Elise's thought: If you had a really good friend who wrote you a letter and it was the best letter you've read, one that you've read over and over again, would you say no to another letter, because you already have a letter? The second letter doesn't take value away from the first one, nor does the first take away from the second.

9. APPLY what you read!

Finally, my testimony of the scriptures:

I always struggled with studying the scriptures. I had read them in seminary and at church, and I knew there were a lot of good verses out there, but for some reason, reading a whole chapter seemed like a boring task. I didn't read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover until about three years ago when my best friend had really encouraged me to take on the challenge and to read all of it. I finished reading the Book of Mormon a few weeks after he left for his mission. Although I didn't understand a lot of what I was reading, and I missed a lot of things, I truly began to hunger and thirst after the messages that were in the Book of Mormon. I got to the point where I was excited to go to bed to read, and I couldn't sleep unless I'd read. Reading the Book of Mormon changed my life for the better. The gospel became sweeter and sweeter to me.

After that, I challenged myself to read the New Testament. I'd always been brought up thinking that the Book of Mormon was all you need, but I was pleasantly surprised at how sweet and wonderful the New Testament was to me. I drew so much closer to my Savior as I read the accounts of His mortal ministry.

I am now reading the Book of Mormon again and rediscovering so many simple and beautiful truths. I know that it is the word of God, and that He loves us enough to send us a guidebook full of instructions. I know that we can draw closer to our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, by reading His word and the words of His prophets, and learn more of our divine potential and eternal destiny.

Matthew 11:29

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."

Little Miss Kaylee...

2011-06-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

This is my roommate. She's is dusting my room. Wanna know why?

Because we have these creepy crawlies running around.

GROSS.

Along came a spider who sat down beside her and frightened friend CASEY away...

Haha, the lesson learned tonight was... don't trust a boy with killing spiders unless you want to be screaming at 11:30 at night.

Home Sick

2011-06-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm resorting to my angel food cake in T minus 2 minutes.

I've been kind of home sick this week. All one day of it. But I left Logan yesterday and was homesick as soon as I got to the apartment. It feels small and cave-like to me right now.

Today was a little better, simply because I got to work and not think about it. After work, Madi and I rushed right off to a ward/stake activity at the Surf and Swim. Pretty fun.

And now I'm sitting here... wishing I hadn't eaten that second hamburger. Wishing I didn't have to go to work.

Just kind of wishing.

I'm feeling cuddly. Sometimes I wish I were a more cuddly person. I don't just cuddle with people for the sake of cuddling, though the desire arises once in a while.

Our washer is bubbling... like... you know that over dramatized bubble sound? It's making that noise.

I think I'll go read about Dante and try to sleep... maybe cuddle with my huge, fluffy, purple body pillow.

*Lethargic*

A Letter

2011-06-19T00:20:00.000-07:00

Dear You,

Sometimes I forget what it was like when you were here. I know we talked all the time, and that I couldn't picture my life without you in it.

So how come it's so hard to remember what you were like?

52 days.

I've gone through 678 of them. I can probably go another 52.

The thing that gets me, though, is how much I don't know about myself. Before, I was so sure and confident about it. But not anymore.

I know I love the gospel.

And cheesy chick books.

Edward and Dante keep me sane.

I love my cat (conveniently named Edward).

I love the color purple.

I get super intimidated meeting new people, especially talking one on one.

Books are like drugs to me.

My hair is too long.

Popcorn is my crack.

I love my job... My job that I'll only have for two more months.

I love Mac and Cheese.

I am self-conscious about how I look. To the point that I kind of dread the future date of wedding pictures and the like.

The smell of bleach is comforting to me.

I want to be a mom.

That's about all I know.

Do you think that... maybe we could find out the rest together?

Sunday Highlights

2011-06-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

These are some of the great quotes I got today while at church. I thought I would share them. I hope someone can learn from them as much as (if not more than) I did. It's simply amazing when you know the Spirit is near.

"Everything that we dream can happen if we do it in the Lord's time."

"Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?"

"In my 90 plus years, I have learned a secret. I have learned that when good men and good women face challenges with optimism, things will work out! Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things will always work out."

--Pres. Hinckley, Way To Be

"Faith is doing something long after the emotion is gone."

"The Song of Man is come to seek and to save that which was lost."

"The passage of time has not altered the capacity of the Redeemer to change men's lives. As he said to the dead Lazarus, so He says to you and me: '... Come forth.' Come forth from the despair of doubt. Come forth from the sorrow of sin. Come forth from the death of disbelief. Come forth to a newness of life. Come forth."

--Pres. (though Elder at the time) Thomas S. Monson

Church was simply fantastic for me today. I have definitely needed a spiritual boost since being released as RSP, and today, for some reason, really gave me that boost. I think that boost has helped me to not miss home so much this time. Maybe that's just me getting used to life, or maybe it was me being able to have my cousin spend the weekend with me, but it wasn't quite as painful leaving home this time as I left my permanent place of residence. :)

I've had a fantastic weekend, and I'm sure I'll fill y'all in on it in a while (I'm going camping this week though so I wont be around to write until at least Friday), but tonight I want to focus on the spiritual.

I just wanted y'all to know how much I know that God hears us. Maybe we feel like it's taken Him a while to acknowledge us... and really, maybe it has taken Him some time, but He always answers our prayers.

I've been blessed enough to have made some really great friends here in O-Town. I've enjoyed them so much, and I know that they're a blessing from God. I can't even imagine what life would be like here without having that support system and feeling like I'm not alone, and the feeling that if I ever needed help, I could trust them. I don't know them super well, but they're starting to feel like family, and I'm very grateful for them.

That is another way that I know God hears us. I was thinking about how if one of my friends were in my position here in a new ward, she would already have met half the ward (if not more) and have been asked out by at least three of the guys. I started to kind of laugh to myself, because... well... I don't know that many people, and no one has really asked me out, which is fine. But... I am okay with all that, for once.

For the first time in a while, I'm pretty okay with where I am.

I don't feel discouraged or despair, but divine discontent, as Bro. Hunsaker would say. I know where I need to improve, and I'm not feeling like it's already too late for me. I feel at peace and know that despite my weaknesses, the Lords still loves me.

Anyway, I'm off to Flaming Gorge, or Flaming George, as Casey and. Co. call it.

I just want you all to know I believe....

And they lived...

2011-06-08T22:13:00.001-07:00

Tonight I may or may not be in one of those moods.

My roommate and I have been watching chick flick after chick flick.... and I love them.

But I hate them, too.

This post may be quite similar to an earlier post (something about The Young Victoria and marriage), but it will be different. This one is about fairy tales.

I was talking about this briefly with a good friend of mine, how I don't necessarily have the fear that I wont ever find someone, but that I wont find THE ONE. And yes, I realized there's not a "THE ONE"... and that there are many potential peeps out there. But what I'm talking about is that I'm more afraid that I'm never going to find someone who makes me absolutely gaga, but rather I'll be sensible and go for the guy who will take care of me and get along with my family.

In other words, I'm afraid of being a Charlotte Lucas instead of an Elizabeth Bennet.

Since I have moved to O-Town, I have watched all three of the Twilight movies, Tangled (maybe more than once), Beauty and the Beast, High School Musical 3 (hey, my roommate's in it, don't judge), and some other fluffy movies.

I just... want my fairy tale. I don't expect a white horse and a dragon-slaying knight... But I wouldn't mind someone who gives me butterflies.

That's all.

Again, I'm not marriage hungry. I'm far from that. I'm just... moody, perhaps.

Anyway.

In other news, I went hiking with the kids today for work. That was pretty fun. It's almost hard for me because I feel like a kid so often myself. I feel like I'm one of them sometimes, but I'm supposed to be their "adult supervision". But today was a good day. Drew, my supervisor, might be trying to convince me to come on the camping trip next week. And I'm pretty sure he's achieved that. So... I'll probably go camping. We're going to Flaming Gorge, and while we're there we're going rafting, canoeing, horseback riding, hiking, and all sorts of glorious things.

And I get paid for it. =D

That's pretty much all I had on my mind. I've been up for far too long already. Woot.

Until next time, y'all....

----Kaylee

The Intern

2011-06-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I started my internship at Hill AFB recently. This internship has started a new sort of chapter in my life. I still haven't decided if I like this chapter or not, but.... I don't hate it. It's a new adventure, and I'm trying to tackle it head-on.

First of all, going to Hill has required me to change locations. I'm living in an apartment in O-Town (commonly known as Ogden). I knew a girl who lives down here, Madi, and I asked her if she knew of any good places, and miraculously, she said her roommate had just moved out so... there was room at her place! Also, the price was VERY affordable. My parents and I stopped by before I went to training to check the place out and I really liked it, so... here I am. :) I'll post pictures eventually. I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

I went to Maryland a few weeks ago for a week of training on what Purdue expects of us interns, how to figure out military culture, and other semi-related items. I got to know the other intern at the base while we were there (we stuck together because we both go to school at USU and so we knew each other a little). Her name is Sami, and can I just say... I love her a LOT. She has helped make this whole experience a lot better and a lot less daunting.

Anyway, I got released from my calling as RSP (now it's Nicole... and I have the highest confidence one can have in her), so that's been kind of interesting. It's weird to know what to do with yourself on Sunday when you're not at church for half the day.

My first day here was preeeetty rough. I had moved down the night before... and then I got totally lost on my way to the base. Luckily, and by some miracle, I found where I needed to go and I was basically on time, too. That was about the only stroke of luck I had that day. I realized that my proof of insurance was still at home so I couldn't get a driving pass... then I'd left my Social Security card at home as well... so I couldn't get clearance to start work either... so I ended up having to just leave the base and go back to my apartment. I bawled the whole way, got to the apartment, and then bawled some more.

I think all the changes were settling in at once and it was just... stressful. I had a good cry and sat doing... well, I don't even know what I did. I know I said a prayer as soon as I got in my room, and then I just got on Facebook and did something meaningless for a while. Eventually I sent a text to Mom (calling would've made me start crying again) and asked if she could bring me the stuff I needed to get on base. When Madi got up and stuff, she text me to see if I was okay, and then she made me french toast. :) That was the sweetest roommate thing for me. A great start to a summer of living together. Then she took me shopping to get some food and such, so that helped.

Despite the trauma of the whole experience, I think it was a blessing in disguise. I was really unprepared and just... having issues all the way around, I suppose. Being able to just sit and cry, and then being able to go and get settled a little more was something I really needed. Ever since then, I don't get as homesick (granted I've only been here two weeks and I've been home both weekends...) and I don't feel as stressed as I should/could be feeling.

Tonight might be a little bit of an exception. I'm feeling pretty homesick (and there may or may not have been a few tears... but just a few).

I went home this weekend to go to Melissa's wedding reception (though I was sad I didn't get to see more of the bride and groom, but I was ridonkulously tired and they were doing the dancing thing). Afterwards, I went home and crashed. In the middle of the night I woke up with an upset stomach that is a result of only one thing... Pretty Much Sucked. Which may or may not be code for that one happy time that we girls get to enjoy (sorry if that's TMI for some of you).

I heated up some rice bags and did my best to walk it off while I waited for drugs to kick in. Luckily, I didn't throw up.... which has been a problem in the past. After about a half hour to an hour, I fell back asleep. When I woke up the next morning, I was feeling much better. For a whole half hour. Then everything hit again, and this time I made it worse by taking the drugs on an empty stomach. STUPID. It made me feel SO SICK. I ended up just taking a really hot bath for an hour. By then the drugs had kicked in so I was some-what okay, but really uncomfortable.

So, for the rest of the day I vegged on the couch and watched a John Wayne marathon (mostly because I was too lazy to get the remote... I was seriously vegging like moss on a rock, people, but John Wayne was fairly entertaining all the same). By evening, I was feeling a lot better and I wanted to spend some time with friends.

Michelle, McGahhey, Shellece and I gathered at Michelle's house and watched Tangled while eating popcorn and Airheads (okay, so I ate all the Airheads.... I'm sure there's a connection there). I LOVE that movie... and I seriously hope for a Eugene Fitzherbert of my own someday. After the movie, we sat around and talked... and we seriously laughed 98% of the time. It was SO nice to be able to be with my friends again! I've been lucky enough to make a few friends here in O-Town, but being with my peeps was like a healing balm to the soul.

Because I was hanging out with my friends, I didn't go back to Apartment Home. Instead, I went to my cousin's baby blessing brunch (that's fun to say fast) and ate some chow and reconnected with some of the extended fam. That was enjoyable. :) Probably the best family get together for me for a while.

I got back to O-Town this afternoon. I listened to the Chronicles of Narnia on audiobook. It was pretty nice, really. I brought the rest of them with me so I can listen to them on the way to work each day. I made some food, took a nap, and cleaned the apartment a little (laundry, my room, dishes). It was kind of nice.

Now here I am, reflecting on life as an Intern. I've kind of revamped the blog a little. I'm trying to make it more... light? Less cluttered? I dunno. I just want it to feel more open, kind of like I'm trying to be. It's a work in progress.

Before I sign off, I'll leave you with a few things I've learned. Hopefully someone will actually read them, considering they're at the end of a long and boring post... but here ya go:

1. Family is Fantastic. I take them for granted a lot, but I seriously have the best family a girl could ask for.

2. The military makes me emotional. I get this swelling feeling in my heart each time I see a uniformed airman coming to pick up their child from the YC, or when I watched kindergarten graduates holding hands with their AF daddy/mommy. They are near and dear to my heart and I appreciate what they do 10x more now. And because of that...

3. My job is important. I realize I'm mostly a glorified summer camp counselor. In the grand scheme of things, I probably wont do much to change the world. But the kids I work with are in military families. They are children with special situations and special needs... and their families are sacrificing so that my sorry hide is protected and free. By helping them, I help the nation in some small way. And better than that, I help a family. I help some child feel wanted and safe and secure in an otherwise stressful situation.

So congrats if you successfully waded through this murky land of thoughts and emotions. I should go. I have to wake up in like... 6 hours. Such is the life of an intern.

--Kaylee

Marriage

2011-05-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

Okay. I need to gush.

I am in love with a certain movie.

The Young Victoria.

It's adorable.

And what I think I like about it the most is marriage.

I don't know if I'm just really, really emotional lately or what, but lately, marriage-type things make me super squirmy, and in a good way. This movie is a CUTE love story, but... they fight! And they disagree! And they have their issues... and I freaking adore it. It makes me excited to finally get married. Whenever that day may come. =/

Last night as I was lying in bed and dwelling on Prince Albert and Queen Victoria... I was thinking about what marriage must be like. What's it like to have someone who is there for you all the time? Who is your BEST and DEEPEST friend? I really can't even comprehend it! I think I can imagine (to some extent) loving someone that much, but what really blows my mind is to be LOVED that much.

Seriously, that's kind of mind blowing! I think they talked about it on Bones, actually (Yes, my life does revolve around Bones). Angela was talking to her new hubby, Hodgins, and she said, "I guess I'm just not used to being loved so much."

Yeah... I'm pretty sure that's how I'm going to feel!

Sigh. I am excited to be though.

Prince Charming/Albert/Char/Eugene Fitzherbert/Aragorn/Will Turner/Whoever you are... Will you hurry up?

*BUTTERFLIES*

Finals Week Daydreams

2011-05-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

Government Jobs

2011-04-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

"What the world needs is more love and less paperwork."

-- Pearl Bailey

I am beginning to wonder how our government has a bureaucracy the size that it is.

Or how anyone joins the military.

Because ladies and gentlemen, it requires a heck of a lot of paperwork.

I recently submitted about 35 pages or so of paper work for my new internship/job at HAFB. Today they sent me an email titled, "The Last Form."

It was 29 pages long.

Yeah, it's highly annoying.

On the bright side, school is just a few days away from being OVER! Glory Hallelujah! Today was my last official day of classes and next week is finals week. I'm SO EXCITED. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is that it's another week closer to when I leave. Granted, it'll be fine and dandy to leave, but I'm pretty nervous about the whole ordeal.

Last night I was laying in bed and thinking about weird little things, like... In a few weeks, I wont be in my bed anymore... I'll be somewhere else.

My cat wont be driving me nuts all night while I'm trying to go to bed (even though I'm probably going to miss that).

The next time I come and live back here, Josh will be home.

Yeah... a little CRAZY.

But it's all good, right? Life has to happen. Things have to change.

People cannot stay stagnant. As much as I wish we could, at times.

But... it's coming a lot easier to me now.

Adventure is waiting!

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T21:53:00.001-07:00

With a lot on one's mind, it's hard to know exactly what to blog about. I have something serious and something goofy... So... Yeah.

Well, let's do the goofy first, I suppose.

This is Dave.

He's from The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

I may or may not have a little (huge) crush on him.

Please ignore the fact that Nicholas Cage has girly, flippy-out hair.

Dave is nerdy. He loves physics. Dave wears many layers of hoodies/button-up shirts/T-shirts. For some reason, I find this highly attractive. Maybe it's because he looks just so darn hug-able. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm cold 88.7% of the time and I have a feeling that he's warm... I mean, with 4+ layers, you'd have to be, right? And so obviously, snuggling up to him would be like having a man-shaped heating system.

And really, I'm not going to complain about that.

Maybe I'm just hormonal.

It happens.

Deal with it.

That being said, the other night I went to a friend's house to party and potentially watch a movie. I've been craving Sorcerer's Apprentice. Earlier I was even staring at the movie case while my family and I were cleaning the house for my brother and sister-in-law's arrival. I got to the party and they were deciding which movie to watch. At the bottom of the stack was... Sorcerer's Apprentice! Much delightment (I know that's not a real word).

So I got a dose of Adorkable Dave. (Adorable + Dork = Adorkable --> It's a handy little word for some situations. You'll use it after this, I promise). And there was much happiness in the land.

I love this movie. Please watch it. Please?

Onto the serious...

Watch this.

Right now.

Today is Easter. Easter is fantastic.

I wish we celebrated it more. I mean, Christmas is cool... the celebration of Christ's birth is a wonderful thing. But Christmas to me has always felt like a mix of celebrations. The real reason is obviously the birth of the Savior, but it's also a celebration of family, of winter, and that whole festive thing. But Easter... I mean, sure you celebrate spring, but it's ALL about the resurrection! Christ's birth doesn't really mean a lot without Easter. That's the whole point, the greatest thing that's ever, ever happened in the history of mankind.

"Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen."

I've had an interesting experience this Easter. A while ago, I lost my aunt to cancer around Easter time, and it was pretty hard, but there was a lot of comfort because of the Easter message. As you may or may not know, I'm the Relief Society President in my ward, so I'm over the women in my church group, basically. One of the girls I watch over has dealt with her mother having severe rheumatoid arthritis for I think 16 years. Recently her mother fell and broke her back, and due to serious complications, she passed away on Friday. I was able to go visit her and her father with the rest of my presidency and we had a wonderful talk about the Savior and His atonement, and especially his glorious resurrection.

I also had the privilege of listening to a sweet friend of mine give a lesson about the atonement and how it has helped her overcome a lot of trials and hardships. It was amazing to see how it had affected her life and made her stronger.

I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to true happiness. I've had periods of my life where I've stepped away from it long enough to feel miserable, and then through some miracle, I always come back. It's always better when you live the way that He has instructed.

I've heard people talk about how they have a problem with organized religion and that they don't necessarily agree with it, but they're deeply spiritual. Sometimes I think they haven't found the right organized religion. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints doesn't feel like organized religion to me. It feels so personal, yet so interconnected with those around that... I dunno. It's different. I know it was organized by the Savior himself, so ... maybe that's why. It feels right and real because it wasn't organized by man.

Read this.... I'm quoting my favorite part below:

“And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!

“For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—

“That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God” (D&C 76:22–24).

Remember Him always and keep the faith. Easter is a holiday of Hope and Faith.

And I love it.

Injuries and Indecision

2011-04-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

Lanta, this whole "emerging adulthood" period of life is kind of ... Well, it's kind of lame sometimes.

Granted, I like a lot of it.

I like the feeling of independence (yes, I still live at home and my mommy still buys my food, but you know what I mean).

Dating can be fun.

College is infinitely better than high school, and

church seems to rock a whole lot more than it used to.

But there are also some downfalls.

That feeling of independence (I still live with my parents and my mommy still buys my food... How the heck am I ever going to survive without them???)

Dating (Does he like me? WHY does he like me??! Will he EVER like me??!! ... WHY DOES HE LIKE ME??) and

that stupid longing to be "nesting" (I blame the two women in my life that have recently let me hold their babies...)

The fear/excitement of future marriage (Yay, it's going to be awesome!/Oh, my lanta... do I REALLY have to live with a guy for the rest of my life? And share a bathroom??)

The pressures of college finals and not knowing what you're going to do with the rest of your life (I just dropped my Family Finance Emphasis, don't know if I'm doing grad school, etc....)

I mean... it's great and all, but there's kind of a lot of PRESSURE, too, if you know what I mean.

I'm trying to convince myself that moving out is going to be awesome. I mean, it will be. But... moving out AND out of my valley of happiness? I mean... Can people actually live outside of Happy Valley and stay... happy?? (Yes, that was somewhat sarcastic) I am kind of scared out of my mind. It'd be one thing if I had a friend there... but I don't.

A lot of my friends are getting married/having babies/going on missions (okay, most of my friends have already done that, but the two that I spend the most time with just decided to throw that at me... "We're going on missions!" Gee friends, that's sure great... =Z ).

And really... that's what I wanna do. I want to go on a mission (I'm not planning on it, so no one freak out and tell my mom who will freak out even more). I want to get married (not marriage hungry, just wanting to progress).

On a "totally unrelated note," Josh gets home from his mission on August 10th. Gulp. I get home from HAFB (the internship) August 15th-ish. He leaves for school August 24th. I die from a heart attack August 25th.

Just sayin'.

Anyway... I just wanted you all to know that I'm a nutcase. That's all.

And for the "injuries" portion of my blog entry, I would like to note the injuries I've received in the past week:

Cat bites/scratches from a much-too-frisky Eddy

Fat lip from when a missionary headbutted me in soccer (it was on accident, but it still hurt)

Gym floor burn on my elbow.... those smart something terribly

Jammed pinkie finger that feels more broken than jammed from playing dodge ball and being wicked good at it, just not wicked safe

And to add insult to injury, I have a canker sore on my lip... Where, might you ask (even though I doubt you did)? EXACTLY on the place where a certain elder nailed me in the face with his head. Yep, it hurts a little.

But... the sun is shining. The gospel of Jesus Christ is on the earth (hallelujah!). I have a good book to read again (The Outsiders... yeah, I dig). School is almost over. And my body still works (bruised as it may be).

I still wouldn't mind a girl talk night... (*Hint: Michelle, this is for you, too!!!*)

Until next time...

Stay GOLD!

Day 2: The Zombies Attack

2011-04-05T14:47:00.001-07:00

Well, today was the first official day of wearing my "Human" arm band (is it bad that I think "humanoid" because of Bones?).

I had a fantastic idea of wearing my band on the opposite arm from where most of campus is. That way I look relatively normal and not like... a human. :) I walked right by 3 zombies, and then avoided a horde ready to ambush the rest of human kind. There were like, 12, blocking this one area. It was ridiculous!

Later, I almost got attacked by another zombie, but I ran fast enough, and then she was nice enough to tell me where the other zombies were, so I avoided that as well.

Then... I had body guards that walked with me to help me keep an eye out.

Can anyone tell I'm paranoid??

P.S. I changed my hair ... again

2011-04-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

I fixed my ugly bangs... And added some "Peek-a-Boo" highlights. The top is still dark for the most part, but there's a lot of blonde underneath. Well, not a lot, but enough to keep it interesting. :)

P.S.S. I've driven by my future home city like 4 times. Still hasn't sunk in. But excited!

Humans Vs. Zombies

2011-04-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ahh! The zombies have attacked USU campus!

For anyone who hasn't heard about this freaking awesome national campus thingy of awesome, well... here you go. You can read more about it here.

I am officially a human (though I guess not super officially, because I haven't gotten my bandana yet)... and there are a LOT of zombies out there! Oh my. But fear not! I at least have my handy dandy Nerf gun for protection. I watched the zombies take out a cluster of humans today. That was crazy. I warned another human about zombie attack. I hope there's serious karma for such actions.

Wish me luck that my brains aren't drained for soup and that I can survive the attack!

Life More Abundantly

2011-04-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know it's been a while, and I'm sorry. But I've been busy, and the more things happen, the more I put off writing. But... I'm writing now... okay? Don't stone me...

I know I still need to update about spring break... and I will. I promise. Eventually.

But for now, I'm going to write about some ramblings that have been bouncing around in my head.

I'll hit the main one, because it's the thought that I've been struggling with for like... Oh, let's say forever.

"I am come that they might have life; and that they might have it more abundantly."

So... that being said...

What does it mean to have an

ABUNDANT LIFE?

I mean, obviously it's more than just life. It's not just sitting around and watching life pass you by.

It's gotta be about going and *doing* something.

And then I sit back and think...

"What am I doing?"

Because let's face it, I don't do a whole lot.

I was talking to a guy today and he was asking me what my plans were for the next little while. As I was explaining that I wasn't really sure, that I am doing the whole school thing... but I want to play around, kind of get some schooling in that I normally wouldn't. "But maybe I'll do grad school..." Or maybe I'll work at teaching. Or maybe I'll work at a crisis center.

Or maybe I'll just "or maybe" myself right into adulthood without actually doing anything.

My whole life, I've always had a plan. I mean... it wasn't a really good plan, per se, but there was always a plan. I guess my young self thought it would be a miracle if I ever even made it to college...

Now I'm an internship away from graduating.

And let's add to that little tidbit:

I thought I'd be married by now.

Granted, I'm kind of glad I'm not (though I'm sure it's a fantastic living arrangement), but... still. I thought I would be. Now that I'm not, it's kind of like... Well, what do I do now?

So... this, my friends, is my quest.

I am in search of the abundant life.

Slump (Two-ish plus some weeks ago)

2011-03-23T10:13:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen (though lets be realistic-- if anyone reads, you're probably a lady), it's official.

I'm in a SLUMP

I don't know if it's the fact that it rained and SNOWED on the 1st Day of Spring (Peter Cotton tail shouldn't have to wear earmuffs)

Or if it's the fact that I have a repeat offender in my life

(He loves me... he loves me not... he loves me... he loves me not...)

[[Yeah, for the record, he loves me NOT]]

Yeah. *sigh*

Announcing... My Summer Plans

2011-03-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

Monday morning as I was frantically doing my last minute packing for California (and after many dreams of being sent to Bangladesh for my internship... I kid you not), my mom came home (after already leaving for work), saying, "Kaylee, it's here!!"

I ran up the stairs, hoping she had a big envelope with all the internship information and paperwork. Like Rory from Gilmore Girls... the little envelope only had to say one thing, "We're sorry to inform you...."

You get the idea.

I rounded the corner and... she was holding a little envelope. Well, bye-bye internship, I thought.

When I grabbed it, the envelope felt encouragingly thick... I ripped it open and....

"We're looking forward to working with you at Hill Airforce Base!"

YEAH BABY! I got the internship!

I get to go to Maryland for a week for training (all expenses paid... BOOYAH), then go to Hill and work all summer! Sweet for that, eh? It's only an hour away, so I can still see my family and friends! I'm super excited. :)

Just thought you all should know!

Bloggin' - Not Resting My Noggin

2011-03-06T22:45:00.000-08:00

Today... was an awfully long day. I was out last night later that I should have been (But, Mom! It was fun!) and as a result, I didn't get to bed until maybe 12:30 or 1.

Granted, I read from a book I'm just starting, Watership Down, so... that kept me up for a little while.

Then I had to wake up at 5:00 (okay, 5:30) for Ward Council, a meeting where all the presidents/leaders of the different areas and organizations (Relief Society for the women [which is what I'm president of], Elder's Quorum for the men, Sunday School, Family Home Evening, etc.) get together to coordinate schedules, plan things, and talk about those who are in need of help and extra love. I was trying to get up a little earlier because my hair looked something like this:

(Yes, I know that's Bon Jovi, but seriously... that's the closest to what my hair looked like.)

Plus, I was stupid enough to try to cut my own bangs yesterday. Bad idea. Good thing those suckers usually grow like weeds, cuz let me tell you... it ain't pretty.

Anyway, my point was, I was going to wake up early to tame ^ THAT ^ to get more of a

(for the record... I have serious hair envy)

So my alarm went off and I rolled out of bed to say my prayers, and... Twenty minutes later, I woke up with limited time to get ready. I still had to tame my hair, but somehow, I managed to do it in like, 15 minutes. That is unheard of speed, just so you're aware.

I was late to Ward Council (but only by a few minutes!), then had church from 8-11, then had my meeting with the bishop until around 11:45, and then I had to try to find a few people to make room reservations (which I never could find), drove home to stop and take care of some business for ten minutes, then I went to my next meeting with my presidency. We talked until about 1:30, then proceeded to visit three different sisters in the ward until about 3:00.

WHEW! Then I finally got home around 3:15, so... YEAH! It was a full day.

And I'm not even done.

I wolfed down some dinner (while talking on the phone to more people for church room reservations)

Watched an episode of Bones (don't judge! I don't usually watch TV on Sunday because I like it to be a Holy day, but my brain was in serious need of vegging)..

I tried to pack a little for my trip (which I still haven't finished), and then at 5:45 I headed off to pick up some girls for the CES Broadcast. Elder L. Tom Perry, and apostle of the Lord, spoke to us via satellite broadcast. It was really good. He talked about how his generation (WWII era) are referred to as the Greatest Generation (which arguably, they are), but that WE can be the greatest generation by helping those around us to know the truths of the gospel and about our Savior Jesus Christ. It was very good.

After that, I went to ward prayer (where my church group gathers together to say a prayer for those who weren't there, for those struggling, and so forth.

After THAT we stayed in the church for about an hour to a half hour talking with the different ward members.

Then, I went to deliver a wedding present to Spendlove and Danica, my cute friends from high school that are getting married (she's had a crush on/known she was going to marry him since she was 14... can you say cute?). I figured I should talk to them before they're awkward newly weds, because I'm going to be in Cali when they actually do get married on Wednesday.

After THAT I went to my friend, Michelle H.'s house, to cut her brother's hair.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bad at cutting hair... but I've only ever cut my own hair (imixed results) and other than that, I've never cut a boy's hair. Sky had grown out his hair to about 6 inches, and I got to practice chopping it all up! And then... I came home.

Where I talked on the phone with a girl that's going with us on the trip about when we should leave and where we wanted to end up tomorrow night. I'm trying to get us to leave later (sigh) so I can sleep, but no one else wants to leave later. Dumb.

Anyway, so... obviously that should mean that I'd be blogging instead of sleeping.

But I just thought I'd share... I find out about my internship today (I can't believe the stupid day has already come... Time moves ridiculously fast), so... get in some last minute prayers and finger crossing. I'll need it!

Now I'm really tired, so, I'm off. I'll maybe keep y'all posted on the vacation happenings. If not though... See you next week!

Spring Break!

2011-03-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

Spring Break, baby! Me and a few girlfriends are going to CALIFORNIA! Here's a little run-down of what's going down. We leave Monday for Mount Shasta, where one of our girly's grandparents live. It's a VOLCANO! How cool is that?

From there, we head off to the fabulous Redwood Forest! We'll spend a day or so there hiking and exploring.

From there, we head to SAN FRANCISCO! We're spending a few days there, exploring China town, the beach, the lovely prison, and whatever else suits our fancy.
If we have time, we might go down to Monterey Bay and...
Pebble beach! :)

I'm super excited. :) Even though driving is going to be a pain, I think this will be a fun trip!

Internship

2011-03-03T07:43:00.001-08:00

Just a little note to let you all know that I find out about my internship in

4 Days.

I'm not nervous.

Really.

*bites nails*

I'm fine.